Contrary to popular belief there are no signs or signals that swingers use to attract other swingers. But it still seems that some people are always looking for a way to find-out if a friend, neighbor or coworker is a swinger.

The idea that there are secret swinger symbols also supports the commonly held belief that because a swinger will have sex with someone besides their spouse that they’ll have sex with whoever just comes along, when in fact swingers are just as picky as anyone else in society about who they are attracted to and who they will get naked with. Just like the joke: “Yes I’m polyamorous. No I won’t have sex with you.” the same can be said for swingers.

Still, here are some of the popular urban legends that I’ve heard:

• Pineapple placed upside down in a shopping cart
• A woman wears an anklet on her right leg
• White landscaping rocks in someone’s front yard
• Wearing a thumb ring
• Wearing a toe ring
• Switching the wedding ring to the right hand
• Yin-Yang tattoo
• A bracelet worn on the left ankle
• Pampas grass in the front yard garden
• Pink or purple decorations in the front yard

Are there any that you’ve heard of? Add them in the comments section below.

Since 2008 Dutch government has been trying to track sexually transmitted infections amongst swingers.  They set-up a system in the free health clinics whereby workers ask those coming in for STI testing whether or not they are a swinger.  Their findings are shocking, but only having seen numerous media reports in the past couple of days about the study (the report isn’t available on the British Medical Journal website, yet), I feel their findings are inaccurate.  First, here’s their basic finding according to the news outlets:

• 1 in 9 heterosexuals that were tested were identified as swingers.
• The combined rates of Chlamydia and gonorrhea were 10.4% for those they identified as swingers.  People who identified as simply straight had an infection rate of 10%, gay men had a 14% infection rate and prostitutes had a 5% infection rate.
• Swingers over 45 had higher rates of infection than those under 45.

The biggest problem I can see with their research is how they identified swingers.  From the news articles I have read the Dutch researcher’s criteria for “swinger” is anyone who came in that identified themselves as a heterosexual, is part of a couple and has sex with other heterosexuals besides their primary partner.

By this definition this could also be people who are cheating on their partner.

By definition swinging is when partners in a committed relationship agree, as a couple, for both partners to engage in recreational sex with other people.

The Dutch researcher’s contend that based on their research 12% of the population is swingers.  Every other estimate in the world puts this number closer to 1% or less.

My personal findings show less than this if you are only looking at those couples actively seeking others to have sex with them.  Looking at the most popular dating site in my area, and just at couples in my state over the age of 25, with a photo (figuring those without at least some kind of photo is not a serious profile), muliplying that by 2 (since they are a couple) and dividing that by the population of the state shows that about 0.2% of the population of this great state is actively looking to swing. Or in simple math, 1 in 500 people.  Or, about 40 people at an average NBA game (don’t ask why I calculated that much less looked-up average NBA game attendance).

Of course there are those that are what I call “opportunistic swingers” who don’t advertise or are actively looking but if the opportunity presents itself with the right person/people they are all in.  Still, they are not enough to bring that number to 12%.

My experience in the swinger community is that safe sex and condom use is the rule, not the exception.  There are those that play bareback, however most of those are only with an individual or couple they are exclusive with.  No swinger wants to get an STI much less infect their spouse, also.

Let’s look at cheaters, though. I’ve covered this in several other posts and statistically conservative estimates are that somewhere between 40% and 50% of men cheat and 30% to 40% of women cheat.  That puts our NBA game attendance of cheaters somewhere in the neighborhood of just under 4,000 women and 5,000 men sitting in the arena.

Knowing this, and knowing the researchers only asked about heterosexuals in couples who have had heterosexual sex with someone besides their partner; and knowing that safe sex practices are low amongst cheaters, doesn’t it seem plausible that many of those the researchers are labeling as swingers are in fact cheaters and it’s skewing the data to the tune of 30X plus?

And finally, the most overlooked statistic from the study: “Swingers” had a 0.4% higher instance of STI’s than heterosexual non-swingers in the study.  You know, the general public.  So where’s the news here?  That those tagged as “swingers” in the study have the same instance of STI’s as anyone else in general society?

Just ranting out loud here…

EDIT:  A point that was brought-up to me on Twitter, and I feel is a great point, is that the research was done at clinics testing for STI’s.  People don’t usually go to a doctor unless they are sick, and in the same respect many people don’t go to a clinic to be checked for an STI until something starts to itch or burn or for some other reason they think they should get checked.  So the data you would get from a clinic of people testing positive for STI’s compared to those that test negative would be skewed when compared to general society.

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• Disease risk higher for swingers than prostitutes (reuters.com)

AshleyMadison.com, the dating site for married people looking to cheat (do you hear ‘Escape’ [the Pina Colada song] playing in the background? I do.) did a survey of the 1.9 million people who signed-up with them last year to see who cheats the most.  Here is their results:

For Women:
1. Teachers
2. Stay-at-home Moms
3. Nurses
4. Administrative Assistants
5. Real Estate Agents

For Men:
1. Physicians
2. Police Officers
3. Lawyers
4. Real Estate Agents
5. Engineers

This really came as no surprise.  From being in the swinger lifestyle for many years we’ve noticed that teachers, those in the medical profession, Realtors and law enforcement personnel are highly overrepresented.  Over course swinging isn’t cheating, and our conclusion was that these are high stressed jobs and these people need to blow-off some steam.  They work hard, they play hard.  Niel Biderman of Ashley Madison mentions the same.

In a study of 1187 swingers done by Bellermine University in 2000 they found:

The typical swinger in this study was 39 years old, had two years of college education, had been married 1.5 times, was in a current marriage lasting 10.5 years, and had been involved in swinging for 5 years. The subjects were predominately white at 90.4 percent of the sample.  African-American’s were 4.1 percent of those sampled, Hispanic’s were 3.0 percent, and 1.5 percent indicated “other”. Gender differences were minimal on all of these characteristics. Included in the sample were ten physicians, fifteen attorneys, sixty-five upper level managers or owners of businesses, twenty-seven engineers, twenty-two teachers, forty health professionals including nurses…

Sound like the typical Ashley Madison member?

My point here is that you can’t judge someone by the sex they have behind closed doors.  Everyone has a kink.  Anyone’s sex life, if it were made public, would shock and horrify someone else.  One person’s kink is another person’s vanilla sex.  What gets one person off does nothing for someone else.  Neither is more ‘right’ than the other, it’s just ‘right’ for that particular person.  Saying that one person is ‘better’ than another, or is more ‘moral’ or ‘ethical’ in their dealings with others in business or public based upon their particular sexual preference in private, is simply stupid and a grossly inaccurate picture of who someone really is.

When (as mentioned in the previous post) as many as 20% of Americans have an open relationship some kind or another, chances are you come in contact with a swinger, a polyamorous individual, a cuckhold, a sadist or masocist, etc. on a daily basis and never know it.  Your doctor, your kid’s teacher, the police officer that just responded to the break-in call at your neighbor’s house, your neighbor, your best friend, a family member and those American soldiers you support all could be one of the above.  Their sexuality in no way dictates how they relate to their fellow men in a professional or social environment.

Link to article

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• Most adulterous professions (boingboing.net)
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I came across a blog tonight where the author was talking about how they had discovered from some neighbors that some other neighbors are suspected swingers (I won’t link his blog here because I’m sure he doesn’t want a bunch of swingers posting comments to it).  His post wasn’t bashing them at all and was actually very witty in handling the whole subject.  Many who commented on the blog had pretty typical reactions though: “We were shocked to find-out there are swingers in our neighborhood.”

I guess the fact that statistically 3 out of 10 of their women neighbors, and 4 out of 10 of their men neighbors are cheating doesn’t shock them, but neighbors who honestly and openly have sex with others does.  Because that should only happen when you are doing it in secret and cheating, right?

To show how rumors will travel, one commenter (who is local to me) even stated that swingers were meeting at a certain athletic club.  Well, being in the swinger community for years now I can truthfully say that I’ve never heard of this athletic club being a meeting place for swingers, and we’re embedded enough that we would of heard about it were it true.

Ah, the stories people make-up to make their own life more interesting.  If people only knew that the real life of a swinger is much less interesting, and includes much less sex than they think.

A question that I get asked a lot in the swinging lifestyle is about body types and beauty.  Some examples:

“I’m not thin or beautiful will anyone be attracted to me?”

“I’m not a size 2 or a size 10; no one will want a fat girl.”

“What if my penis isn’t big enough?”

“I don’t look like a model”

Let me start by saying Pshhhha to all of these.  If there is one thing I’ve learned after the past 5 years swinging it’s that there is someone or MANY some ones for everyone.  Don’t let poor body image ruin your good time.

I am a larger girl and was once pretty nervous about getting naked in front of anyone but Mr. Scribbens.  As a matter of fact our first couple, well they were downright hotties! Talk about nerves! I thought “why would he want me when he has a wife like that?” What I found out was it’s all about variety.  That’s why we swing in the first place isn’t it? To experience something new and different than what we are used to? Now mind you NOT everyone is going to be compatible but I’ll save that speech for another blog.

I’ve realized that the majority of people out there swinging are looking past a few stretch marks and a fatter ass.  They look at the whole package. Things like being showered and well kempt are much more important. Do you take pride in your appearance? Do you have fresh breath and a sense of humor? Can you hold a conversation?  If so I’d say you have a hell of a good chance at finding swinging partners.

But lets go back to the worried about weight issue ladies.  I’ve discovered a little secret. Most men don’t care and in fact most of them like a woman with a little more meat on her bones and the natural boobs that go with them, just sayin’.  I can honestly tell you that my weight has not prevented me from having a good time and meeting plenty of lovers both female and male.  So in the hopes that this eases the fears of some of you ladies out there I will end this blog with a quote from one of my favorite singers… Prince.

“…Honey them hips is gone
That’s alright, I clock ‘em that way
Remind me of something James used to say…

“I like ‘em fat”
“I like ‘em proud”
“Ya gotta have a mother for me”
Now move your big ass ’round this way
So I can work on that zipper, baby
Tonight you’re a star
And I’m the big dipper… “