Whenever general society talks about polyamory and other multiple relationship styles they always focus on the sex part as if plural relationships are all about the sex.

However, aren’t most relationships in the Western world about sex? We’re brought-up from the day we’re born being told that the only legitimate sex is sex between a married couple. Sex is dangled in front of us as the reward for getting married. So we have people getting married before they are ready just to legitimatize the sex they are having, or want to have, with someone else. And the two biggest issues behind the ensuing divorce? Sex and money differences.

So people get married for sex and divorced because of it also. Yet the anti-plural relationship folk never see the hypocrisy in their beliefs. The fact that what brought them together in a monogamous relationship (at least it is for a while) was the lust goggles blurring their clear view of the other person. And as time goes on and the lust subsides and real life sets-in, they all of a sudden realize that other than parts that fit together they have nothing in common, and the fights ensue with every little thing the other person does annoying the hell out them.

So yes, all relationships are about sex to some extent. To apply that aspect to only polyamory is simply faulty logic.

NOTE: As a response to comments from others I thought I should clarify the meaning of this post; many thought it was about polyfuckery. However, Dear Abby answered a question about polyamory this week and the responses to this person’s relationship choice were nauseating, if not common and stereotypical amongst general society. Being a woman who is married and also has a male partner living with them, the comments ranged from “slut” to “her husband must not be a man because she needs someone else to satisfy her”. The usual stuff by those that are insecure and thus threatened by and judgmental of other’s relationships that don’t look exactly like their own. The root of the issue being that the reason they are not monogamous is because of sex. This it got me thinking, and thinking, and I don’t think this subject is done yet. Stay tuned.

From my friends over at Va Va Voom here is a graphical history of the condom. Through years of misinformation from those pursuing personal religious agendas the condom is still here and getting better every year. Now if we can just get our school system to teach reality and not just hopeful abstinence we’ll really have something.

Click the picture for a larger view.

Graphic Source: History of the Vibrator www.Va-Va-Voom.com

I’ve been listening to quite a few Dan Savage “Savage Love” podcasts recently and there seems to be one common theme among his callers: Many are fearful that they are freaks and their fantasies are twisted and wrong.

I’d just like to reach-out to you folks, and others like you, and say this:

You are not weird. You are not “wrong”. You are not perverted. Your fantasies are not disgusting. You are normal.

There are no unnatural sex acts. As Alfred Kinsey once said: “The only unnatural sexual act is that which you cannot perform.” I’ll take is a step further and qualify it with the words “adult” and “consenting” and phrase it as such:

The only unnatural sexual act between consenting adults is that which their bodies cannot perform. So don’t let anyone tell you that you are sick and perverted because your sexual fantasies and turn-ons don’t match theirs.

I was listening to the Radio from Hell morning show on KXRK this morning and they were doing their “Painful Circle” where the show hosts and a guest dole-out relationship advice to those that call-in. One caller wanted to know how to get her husband to have more sex with her because he just wasn’t interested and they go months between doing the deed. Of course one of the questions that comes-up is: “Do you think he’s cheating on you?”

I thought about this. In my experience I’ve always got more sex from my partner when they are fucking other people, whether they were cheating (in 20/20 hindsight) or in an open-relationship.

It seems the more you get, the more you want. The less you get the less it matters after a while.

What do you think?

Q. In your opinion, which of the following counts as losing your virginity? handjobs/fingerbanging, oral, anal, vaginal, all of the above (I ask because I’ve heard some pretty peculiar takes on this issue.)

A. This is a difficult topic to define because the general consensus is that penetrative, male/female sex is how you lose your virginity. But where does that leave lesbians? They definitely aren’t virgins.

My personal opinion is: It doesn’t matter. Virginity is overly-prized and overvalued in our society. I don’t think any other animal besides humans give a rat’s ass about virginity. Virginity is just another way to classify people (for good or bad) and to worship or despise them for it.

Teenagers laugh at someone that is a virgin. Some adult men prize a virgin woman. Some people feel a woman who has had sex with more men than the one she lost her virginity to is “dirty” and a “slut”.

But none of that removes the importance and and emotions one feels toward the person they lose their virginity to. It is a big thing in a young person’s life. And only each individual can decide, based on their emotions about the experience, when the officially lost their virginity.

So for that reason I defer to the individual to decide when, where and with whom they lost their virginity, for that is the only definition that really should matter to anyone.

Ask me anything about polyamory, swinging or open relationships