Poly means “many” not “any”.  Cruising around OKCupid today and updating my profile a bit, I found it very hard to explain that just because I am polyamory-minded doesn’t mean I am A) cheating on my wife, and B) just putting notches on my bedpost.  And that is the public perception of me, as a polyamorous male.

It seems the idea that many people have (and in my case, women I’m interested in) is that being polyamorous is all about sleeping around, it’s all about the sex.  That polyamory is just an excuse to look for a new relationship to replace an existing relationship while still maintaining that existing relationship. That there must be something wrong with your current relationship or that the sex is terrible and you are looking for something that is missing.

In short, you’re looked upon as a cad. Especially if you’re a guy.

If you’re a girl, you’re a slut and will fuck anyone, and if you won’t, you’re a bitch.

That is why I say: Poly means “many” not “any”.

Yes, I like sex. Yes, I like variety in my sex. No, I’m not into racking-up a high score.  Yes I’ll take a one night stand with the right person. No, I don’t go looking for one night stands. Yes, I can fall in love with more than one person. No, I don’t fall in love with everyone I have sex with. Yes, I love being in love. No, I don’t need to be in love. Yes, I love to fuck. No, I won’t fuck just anyone. Yes, someone new is exciting. No, someone new doesn’t make a current partner less exciting. Yes, I am into you. No, I am not looking for a replacement for someone else.

If I want to have sex with someone it’s because I really find that person a turn-on, and more than just physically. Intelligence and intellectual compatibility is as big a turn-on as physical attractiveness. Therefore the pool of possible sex partners is not huge. Just because a woman is attractive does not mean I’m going to get a hard-on for her. If I am sexually attracted to a woman it’s because there is a lot more going on than just nice tits and ass. She is special. She is unique. And not all people will be that to me any more than I will be that to all people.

So yes, being poly means having more than one. No, being poly doesn’t mean having just anyone.

There is a very small number therapists who are versed in relationships other than heterosexual monogamous ones.  Why are they so down on them? Dr. David J. Ley, Ph.D. feels that it’s because less than a third of therapists ever receive sexuality education as part of their degree path, and because of this they regard with sceptism any relationship that doesn’t model their own, or at least their own concept of what an ideal relationship (for them mostly) would be like.

Dr. Ley comments:

Multiple studies conducted over the past few decades show that therapists and the mental health field in general have negative and judgmental views of any marriages that are not centered around an assumption of monogamy. When asked, such therapists predict failure for said relationships, and automatically attribute the desire and motivation for nonmonogamy to a history of pathology, typically sexual abuse. People who approach therapists and are involved in swinging, polyamory or open marriages are most often met with incredulity and scorn.

He goes on to say:

Fewer than a third of medical schools provide training in human sexuality. What consistent training there is in sexuality is typically only focused on the negative aspects, and pathology. So, what does that mean for the therapists? It means they are reacting based upon their own subjective experiences and values. “Would I do that? Could I do that?” If the answer is yes, then the patient’s behavior is normal and healthy. If the answer is no, then patient is abnormal and unhealthy.

Read the rest of this short article at Psychology Today: Why are therapists down on alternative sex? | Psychology Today.

In her column on Apt613.ca Nadine Thornhill gives some of what I think is great advice to someone thinking about a polyamorous relationship.  It’s always refreshing to see a positive look at open relationships on the World Wide Web since usually the landscape seems so littered with uber-conservative groups demeaning anything opposite of their particular brand of relationship and sexuality through posting and reposting the same tired articles written by someone else.  Of course, that saves having to think for themselves…

Here is what Nadine had to say:

Dear Dirty Laundress,

What’s your take on polyamory? Have you seen it work? Is it a pipe dream?

The More The Merrier

Polyamory is one form of non-monogamy. In her book, Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships, Tristan Taormino defines polyarmory as, “The practice of maintaining multiple, significant, intimate relationships simultaneously.” Bear in mind this is one broad definition. The specific characteristics of polyamory are as diverse as the people involved.

As for my personal take, I think that polyamory is as valid a relationship construct as any other. I have seen it work. I’ve also seen it fail. But if statistics on marriage are to be believed, monogamy also fails at least as often as it’s successful. Speaking strictly anecdotally, poly relationship seem to work best when the people involved are honest with themselves and their partners about what they want and need. Negotiating and respecting clear boundaries seems imperative for a polyamorous relationship to thrive, as is open communication.

If monogamous relationships are slightly more “successful”, I suspect it’s because twosomes have almost absolute social support on an institutional level. Everything from our tax structure to our frozen entrées validate a two-lovers-at-a-time kind of relationship. Meanwhile, non-monogamy is stigmatized. It’s weird. We accept plurality in love for our parents, our siblings, our children and our friends, but for some reason if love for a partner is not exclusive it’s often regarded as invalid or worse, immoral. As such, some people who find themselves attracted to, perhaps in love with, someone other than their chosen partner will repress that desire. Or worse, they will indulge the desire but without their partner’s knowledge or consent.

I believe that love, desire and sexual expression are expansive. If you so choose, you can make room for more than one lover in your life. Do it with honesty and integrity. You might make mistakes. You might fuck it up entirely and have to try again. But this is true of all relationships, no matter how many people are involved.

If you’re intrigued by polyamory or other forms of non-monogamy, TMTM, I suggest your start with some research. Taormino’s book on non-monogamy is one the best I’ve read. Other resources include, The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities by Dossie Easton. Also, there are polyamory discussion groups around the city that welcome newcomers regardless of their relationship status.

Read the original column here: Dirty Laundry: Hair-y situation and polyamory? | Apartment613.

There seems to be a lot of confusion regarding the definitions of particular relationship matters and structures.  So in an effort to make the world a better place I hereby attempt to clarify things a little.

Cheating: Cheating is an act of lying, deception, fraud, trickery, imposture, or imposition. Cheating characteristically is employed to create an unfair advantage, usually in one’s own interest, and often at the expense of others. Cheating implies the breaking of rules.

Open relationship: An open relationship is a committed relationship in which the partners are free to have emotional and/or physical relationships with other partners, often within mutually agreed limits. If a couple in an open relationship are married, it can be called an open marriage.

Swinging: Swinging or partner swapping is a non-monogamous behaviour, in which partners in a committed relationship agree, as a couple, for both partners to engage in sexual activities with other people.

Polyamory: Polyamory is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

See the difference in the bolded print? “Deception” vs. “agreed upon with full knowledge and consent of all parties involved”.

That’s a big difference.

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This is a great read about what polyamory means to Maxine, and I identify with much of it myself. I highly recommend reading the whole post. Here’s an excerpt of it to tickle your interest:

For me, being ‘poly’ is tied to my definition of what Love is. I believe that if you love someone, you want them to be happy, whether that means they are with you or without you – this applies both in the long-term, as in ‘who would I like to spend the rest of my life with?’ and the short, as in ‘who would I like to spend this evening with?’. To me, loving someone means facilitating their happiness, or giving them space to create their own, in the best way you can.

If that sounds like a masochistic approach to relationships, it can be. In my early years of relating to people, this meant I gave a hell of a lot and expected little in return. However, having matured a bit since, and gained a lot more experience, the flip-side of this is that I now expect my partners – all of my partners – to feel the same way about me.

Obviously, what will make me happiest at any given moment is not always what will make my partner(s) happy. There is always a balance to be struck, and compromises to be made. Sometimes partnerships are just plain incompatible, and end up dissolving – but any two people who love each other in the way I defined above will care for and support each other even through break-ups.

There are still hard times: In the long-term sense, letting go of someone you’re madly in love with but not well suited to is still damned hard, and in the short term so is spending an evening alone when you really don’t want to, because it’s better for someone else. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone else’s happiness is nothing at all, and coming to terms with that can also be tough.

The bit that makes it worth it though: knowing that the person you’re spending time with is there because they want to be with you, not because you’ve blackmailed them into it, or because they have nowhere better to be. That in itself is a heck of a boost in self-esteem.

She goes on to say, and this is a great analogy of why more than one person is important to someone who identifies and polyamorous:

Often after explaining all this, I still get asked why it is that I want to be sexual with more than one person – why I want to have more than one relationship at a time. My answer is a question: Why would anyone want to have dinner with more than one person? Or play tennis with more than one person? Or have a conversation with more than one person? The experiences are different – and an extra bonus is that there is always something new to learn from every new relationship – if you have parallel relationships, your existing partners benefit from this (believe me, I know!).

You can read her full blog post here.