Bigger Love » Open Relationships

Polyamory and personality traits

Lucius Scribbens — Sun, 19 Sep 2010 22:54:51 +0000

I wrote a lengthy response on the OKCupid forum to a thread about personality traits of polyamorous people. I was a bit taken aback by how many people were ascribing traits to polyamorous people that are the main traits that cause monogamous relationships to fail. Traits like fear of communicating with your partner or being honest with your partners or fear of commitment. The idea that all polyamorous people are ADHD was thrown-out there also.

So since I spent so much time writing it there and being it made for a good blog post, I thought I’d also share it here.

I find it very curious that personality traits that MOST people possess, and are common to monogamous relationships as well, are being attributed solely to polyamorous people. Comments like:

fear of being fully known (masking fear that one is ‘bad’, deep-down)

This is a characteristic of jealousy, the fear that you are not “good” enough or that if someone knew the true you they wouldn’t want to be with you. So you “keep” them close through jealous actions such as not letting them experience others in social situations without yourself present or cutting your partner off from friends and family; anyone the jealous person sees as a threat to their happiness. The protect themselves under the guise of “protecting” their partner.

In my experience many monogamous people will talk to me about sexual and relationship issues that they won’t talk to their partner about because they fear being rejected or their partner geting angry, jealous or otherwise hurt.

One common trait of many monogamous relationships, and one that keeps counselors and therapists in Mercedes and million dollar homes, is that people can’t be fully honest with their partner about their wants and needs. For instance when they talk to their partner about their sexual fantasies their partner reacts negatively with the “what, I’m not enough for you?” or they fear being viewed as perverted or wrong for having that desire. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard of a wife or girlfriend wigging-out because their partner brought-up a fantasy about a threesome or some other sexual act they don’t presently do, I’d be a very rich man.

For the most part polyamorous people don’t fear this since part of having a variety of partners is you and your partner’s acceptance to recognize and admit that there are just some things they can’t do or have no interest in doing, but they are also not threatened by someone else’s ability or desire to do so because they know that they are just one part who their partner is, and no way does it define who they are in whole. Therefore they know their partner isn’t going to leave them just because they don’t have an interest in say BDSM, and someone else does. What they can and do offer fulfills just as large and important a part of their partner as someone else does with something else, whether this something else is an interest in photography, art, bird watching, golf, or bondage.

This doesn’t mean that polyamorous people never feel jealousy, it simply means they manage it well through open communication and respect for each other.

fear that one might become emotionally dependent on one partner and then lose them and be unable to recover.

This goes back to the general perception that because you don’t have a “one and only” that you can’t commit for whatever fear of commitment you may have. Anyone who’s been close to a truly polyamorous person (not just one saying they are to get some strange) will tell you that commitment is THE basis behind polyamory. Believe me, losing a long-term partner in a polyamorous relationship is not any easier than losing one in a monogamous relationship. My wife was devastated for months when she and her other partner broke-up.

fear of missing out — that the grass might be greener in unexplored meadows.

Here you’re confusing the typical monogamous idea of stringing someone along without full commitment because something “better” might come along with a polyamorous relationship. The whole idea of polyamory is that everyone is unique and that no one partner is “better” or more important than another. You’re not looking for something that might be better; in fact the polyamorous person recognizes the uniqueness and specialness of each person in their lives and they cherish and celebrate the different dimensions those traits of their partners bring to them.

In short, unlike in a monogamous relationship, they aren’t throwing away one good relationship just because someone that adds something different and momentarily more interesting to their life comes along. They add it to their life like adding another Lego to the block.

fear of not being ‘enough’ for one partner.

This goes back to my first point of jealousy. This is primary characteristic of a jealous person, and polyamorists for the most part are not jealous people or they couldn’t be polyamorous. Polyamorists know they are just what their partner wants or their partner wouldn’t be with them. Why? Because the door is open for them to leave if they want and they don’t. So obviously you’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and gosh darn it, your partner loves you.

like fear of being completely honest about other relationships, an irrational feeling that one should hide them despite loving evidence to the contrary.

Ah, this is not a trait in of a polyamorous person. Polyamory is all about the naked truth and not hiding other relationships. Polyamory by definition is: the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

In most polyamorous relationships everyone involved in the relationships are at least friends even if not lovers. I have always been friends with my wife’s other partners and we hang-out together, go to car shows together, go to BBQ’s and function at friend’s homes, even at our non-polyamorous friend’s. My wife’s partners are very important to me because they are important to her, and visa-versa with her.

Less than full disclosure and being completely honest about other relationships is not only less than polyamory, it’s closer to cheating or having a “don’t ask, don’t tell” open relationship.

it has been rare for me to meet a poly person who does not identify as having ADD, and somewhat rare to meet a mono person who does.

This is a rather generalized statement since ADHD is far more prevalent than polyamorous people are, as such there are many, many more monogamous people who are diagnosed as ADHD than there are polyamorous people.

Overall, as others have said and I’ve seen in my own life, the polyamorous people I know are highly educated and thus usually have white collar careers in management or work high tech fields, and are very introspective, which you pretty much have to be to have an open relationship. Nothing can be taken for granted because open relationships take a lot of honesty, selflessness, communication, understanding and self-confidence to work. In fact, they are a lot of work. Polyamory is not for someone looking for the easy road or for someone that isn’t willing to work at a relationship, much less a couple of relationships.

Wonder Woman born of a polyamorous relationship

Lucius Scribbens — Sat, 14 Aug 2010 22:04:16 +0000

In the book Eureka!: The Surprising Stories Behind the Ideas That Shaped the World Marlene Wagman-Geller gives the back story on the relationship behind the creation of Wonder Woman. This story may not be news to many comic book fans, but to me it was. So in case it is for you, I present it here.

William Marston and Olive Byrne (standing)

William Moulton Marston, the creator of the polygraph test, was also the creator of Wonder Woman. William was married to Elizabeth Holloway Marston, a very successful woman in her own right. He also fell in love with a student of his, Olive Bryne. He asked Elizabeth if Olive could live with them and with her permission they did and William fathered two children by each of them.

This V-triad was ahead of the polyamory curve back in the 1930′s and was distinguished from polygamy outlawed about 50 years earlier in the U.S.

William died in 1947 of cancer, but Elizabeth and Olive remained family to the day Olive died, Elizabeth even supporting Olive and her children after William’s death.

Elizabeth Holloway Marston

William borrowed heavily from both women for the creation of Wonder Woman. From Elizabeth came independence, intelligence, strength and self-confidence. From Olive came Wonder Woman’s appearance, the raven black hair, blue eyes and Wonder Woman’s bracelets, which were adapted from bracelets Olive always wore on each arm.

Could a greater tribute be made to the women he loved? Probably not.

How to Recognize a Manipulative or Controlling Relationship

Lucius Scribbens — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 19:07:41 +0000

Something that isn’t talked about a lot in open relationships and BDSM is the possibility and occurrence of manipulative and controlling partners. Polyamory, other open relationship styles and BDSM are especially susceptible to people who’s intentions are not among the purest because of the compassionate and loving nature of people in open relationships and the Dominant/submissive nature of BDSM. And it’s not because these people love their partners sooooo much. It’s because these kinds of people get satisfaction from the manipulation and control of other people. It’s how they feed the black holes of their own insecurity and low self-esteem. The problem is identifying these people from the outset because they can be so charming and attentive and interesting. But as a relationship progresses the manipulation and control take-over, making the object of their attention miserable as well as everyone around that person.

I came across this great article on wikiHow today about manipulative and controlling people in romantic relationships. I recommend it to anyone currently in a relationship, multiple relationships or thinking about getting into multiple relationships. Recognizing the warning signs early can save a lot of pain and heartbreak in the future.

As your relationship with a new person in your life has developed, you find your old friends falling away, while family members remark on how you don’t seem like yourself. Are you losing yourself to an odd, and ultimately destructive, relationship? Before you can regain your individuality and strength, you’ll need to determine if the relationship is taking something away, and, if so, put an end to the destructive cycle. While the steps are directed towards romantic relationships, they do apply to any kind of relationship.

Read the whole article here: How to Recognize a Manipulative or Controlling Relationship – wikiHow.

When D/s Becomes Abuse (dungeonplace.com)
Dungeonplace podcast episode 18: Abuse in kink and BDSM relationships (dungeonplace.com)
masquerading (xpygarx.blogspot.com)
“Red Flags” – Warning Signs in Relationships (polyamory.com)
Real Doms (collarchat.com)

Defining Polyamory by my terms – by emanix

Lucius Scribbens — Thu, 13 May 2010 15:09:49 +0000

This is a great read about what polyamory means to Maxine, and I identify with much of it myself. I highly recommend reading the whole post. Here’s an excerpt of it to tickle your interest:

For me, being ‘poly’ is tied to my definition of what Love is. I believe that if you love someone, you want them to be happy, whether that means they are with you or without you – this applies both in the long-term, as in ‘who would I like to spend the rest of my life with?’ and the short, as in ‘who would I like to spend this evening with?’. To me, loving someone means facilitating their happiness, or giving them space to create their own, in the best way you can.

If that sounds like a masochistic approach to relationships, it can be. In my early years of relating to people, this meant I gave a hell of a lot and expected little in return. However, having matured a bit since, and gained a lot more experience, the flip-side of this is that I now expect my partners – all of my partners – to feel the same way about me.

Obviously, what will make me happiest at any given moment is not always what will make my partner(s) happy. There is always a balance to be struck, and compromises to be made. Sometimes partnerships are just plain incompatible, and end up dissolving – but any two people who love each other in the way I defined above will care for and support each other even through break-ups.

There are still hard times: In the long-term sense, letting go of someone you’re madly in love with but not well suited to is still damned hard, and in the short term so is spending an evening alone when you really don’t want to, because it’s better for someone else. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone else’s happiness is nothing at all, and coming to terms with that can also be tough.

The bit that makes it worth it though: knowing that the person you’re spending time with is there because they want to be with you, not because you’ve blackmailed them into it, or because they have nowhere better to be. That in itself is a heck of a boost in self-esteem.

She goes on to say, and this is a great analogy of why more than one person is important to someone who identifies and polyamorous:

Often after explaining all this, I still get asked why it is that I want to be sexual with more than one person – why I want to have more than one relationship at a time. My answer is a question: Why would anyone want to have dinner with more than one person? Or play tennis with more than one person? Or have a conversation with more than one person? The experiences are different – and an extra bonus is that there is always something new to learn from every new relationship – if you have parallel relationships, your existing partners benefit from this (believe me, I know!).

You can read her full blog post here.

Polyamory, swinging, kink and employment

Lucius Scribbens — Wed, 05 May 2010 02:58:22 +0000

Recently a Twitter contact and fellow sex blogger was fired from her job for her private life and as she puts it, “Clark Kent” identity on the web. She blogged about her open relationship and her escapades using the nom de plume: “The Beautiful Kind”.

It appears her employer, a non-profit, was running Google searches (and possibly more background checking, I think) on current employees in an attempt to dig-up any dirt on those employees that could be potentially compromising to the company. In doing so some old information from her Twitter account came-up with her real name and her Twitter nom de plume, and thus further Googling lead to her blog and a whole lot of really dirty stories I’m sure the “researcher” and the boss wanked-off to for hours.

When she arrived at work on April 27 she was immediately dismissed from her position with the company for her private life, that had someone not dug really, really deep would never have been discovered. To boot, she wasn’t in any position in the company that anyone outside the company would have been looking for her name, in short she was an office drone, not management, her name was nowhere on articles of incorporation.

Her boss wrote to her in her termination letter:

“We simply cannot risk any possible link between our mission and the sort of photos and material that you openly share with the online public. While I know you are a good worker and an intelligent person, I hope you try to understand that our employees are held to a different standard. When it comes to private matters, such as one’s sexual explorations and preferences, our employees must keep their affairs private.”

Dear Mr. Employer, what per se is that “standard” that your employees are held to that is different than other comparable companies, and wouldn’t her private life remained private had you not been digging for something with which to nail one of your employees on? Would her private life not remained private if you had not been sticking your nose into her bedroom?

Where do you draw the line of what is your life at work and what is your life away from work? As is, our employers have great control over our after-work activities, from drinking and drugs to when we actually get time off, and anyone who signs the back of the paycheck instead of the front can tell you that according to their employer there is never a “good” time to take vacation or take a sick day.

I personally recently lost a part-time job due to breaking one of my own rules and getting involved with coworker, and although she knew up-front what my relationship status was, when shit went south with her she filed a complaint with HR against me. I was honest with HR in regards to my relationship with my wife and my relationship with her. She lied about many things. She still works there and I was let go for “inappropriate behavior” (see this post for the back story).

I also think a recent job offer was retracted after the employer that had offered the job I had accepted hooked-up to me on Facebook (obviously I pretty much had to accept his “friend request”) and three days later I got an email stating the position was “on hold” and the company “wasn’t sure which direction we are going in this division”. I think my liberal politics and support of LGBT issues did me in with this Conservative-leaning employer. My Facebook has no mention that my wife and I are in an open relationship.

As many have said though, if your boss and coworkers can’t accept you as you are, if you have to pretend to be someone else at work than who you are, do you really want to work there?

In today’s economy here in the U.S. I don’t know if the answer to that is “to thine ownself be true and be happy and broke” or “be an actor and be who they want you to be but unhappy”?

Where does the line between being who you are outside of work and discrimination in the workplace blur? Lesbian, gay, and transgendered people have been fighting this fight for years.

Regardless, the Internet and social media is rapidly redefining the workplace and workers’ place in it.

A Very Personal Message from The Beautiful Kind (aagblog.com)
How to Keep Your Privacy Safe(r) on Facebook (atomiurl.com)