Again recently I have had to sit back and think to myself why many monogamists think as they do.  Try to understand what make them tick and what makes them think I am weird or “wrong” and their way is normal or “right”.  What happened to make me ruminate like this was a woman.  Yes, the thing that makes many men think for a moment, touch themselves, then turn-on SPEED Network to watch monster trucks.  But what really got me today was a woman I know who is a single mom of three, works two jobs and who I’ve been good friends with for months now, told me that I “need to take a step back because all this was just getting to weird.”

Now she knows that I’m in an open relationship.  We’ve also talked of our mutual attraction and that as other women have said:  she’d love to have a relationship with me, but she’d just be putting time into someone else’s husband.  Which I can respect if getting married is the be-all-end-all of her existence right now.   So all this is nothing of a surprise.

So what spurred that response from her?  Lucretia MacEvil invited her to dinner, with her children, since her middle daughter is the same age as our youngest daughter and they would probably get along fabulously.  To her, this just seemed too strange.  The wife of a man who she’s attracted to is inviting her to break bread with her, not kill her.  She really couldn’t wrap her brain around that.  In fact she even said to me: “Doesn’t that just seem a bit strange to you?  To normal people it is.”

What seems strange to me though, is that for over a year she was dating a married man who was cheating on his wife, and one of her children is the result of that relationship.  Of course, he never left his wife and has no contact with her, or his child today.

So dating a married man who is cheating on his wife is not weird, however dating a married man who is honest with his wife and who’s wife would like to meet her and feed her and get to know her because her husband likes her, is weird.

Dating a cheating husband: Good

Dating a husband in an open and honest relationship: Bad

As mentioned in an earlier post, we’ve seen this with men, too.  Many men want to have something with Lucretia, however they don’t want to meet me, her husband.

Fucking a married, cheating woman: Good

Fucking a married woman with her husband’s permission and knowledge: Just fucking freaky

So to many monogamists cheating is “normal” whereas honesty is not.  Or at least that is how it seems.  Cheating is expected, if not acceptable, but an honest open relationship is not.  It’s okay to have sex with other people besides your spouse as long as your spouse doesn’t know about it, but it’s just wrong to do it if your spouse knows about it and consents willingly to it.  Of course they will tell you that’s not the case, that they don’t approve of it, but the numbers that do it (by all reasonable estimates 50% to 70% of all marriages experience cheating) show that their actions in no way support their words.

Just another reason why it’s very difficult, if not downright impossible to make a monogamist into a polyamorist.

So I have what could be considered at least a part-time steady girlfriend.  She is a woman who we met several years ago when she was married and she and her husband were swinging.  We’ll call her “K” for future reference.  Lucretia MacEvil never had any interest in her husband, but she and I hit it off like gasoline and fire, it was all sparks and hot flame.  Maybe it’s cosmic being we share a birthday, 5 years apart and were even born in the same hospital.  I don’t know, I don’t care, all I do know is that I’ve always had the hots for her.

Well, we all became friends, but nothing other than heavy making-out (which I love) ever happened between her and I for oh… two years.  And that was almost two years ago.

About a year ago her and her husband got divorced.  No, it had nothing to do with swinging.  They had been together since high school, 18 years in all, and it that time a lot of bad water had flowed under the bridge and those problems just weren’t going to be solved.  She was miserable with him.  So she left.  She dated a guy for the last year and that ended badly on Valentine’s Day this year.

So recently her text messages to me increased and I asked if she’d like to get together to watch a movie or something.  About three weeks ago we did and the night with her was awesome.  We went out again the following week, but no sex, just being together.  Unfortunately she’s been too busy in the last week to go out but we talk every day.

Is she up for a poly relationship?  I don’t know.  I don’t think she is.  But I think she is up for a relationship of some kind.  She’s not planning on getting married anytime soon, she has kids and is wanting anymore, so her situation is different than Unobtanium’s.  She simply wants companionship at this point.  And that I can give her for as long as she needs it.

Lucretia and her are friends, Lucretia loves her and loves the fact that we are finally able to spend some quality time together.  So for now I’m just going to take it as it comes and not take any of it for granted.

Something Lucretia MacEvil and I have encountered on numerous occasions when men contact her is what I like to call “The Cheating Wife Syndrome”.  What this is, is the idea that a woman that is cheating on her husband is a bigger turn-on to men than knowing that she has permission.

How this comes about is that usually (see this post for the “usually” part) we have a rule of I have to meet prospective boyfriends before Mrs. can play solo with them.  It’s a way of letting these guys know up front what the score is with us, and also because as a guy I know all the stupid guy games, just like my wife knows all the stupid girl games so she likes to know personally who I play with.  But, many guys get all freaked-out at the idea of meeting me.  Whether it’s because it’s the idea that she’s married and her having permission to have sex with others freaks them out, or it’s the “Cheating Wife Syndrome”. Which as a guy I think most other guys like.

Why? Because it’s an ego-rush.  It’s just like in porn where the husband can’t satisfy his wife so she calls in a stuntcock to take care of her carnal needs.  It’s a competition for many guys, and conquering someone else’s wife is a real “IN YOUR FACE, MAN!” to the husband.  It’s an “I won and I’m better than you” thing.  They want the sex, the ego-feed is just a bonus, something they can brag to their friends about how they banged this married woman because she needed his cock.

Knowing she has permission though takes the danger, the thrill, and the ego-stroke out of it all.  So when Mrs. suggests that we all meet, most of these guys go silent and stop chatting with her via email or IM.

Of course some really can’t wrap their mind around the whole open relationship thing.  They have been socially conditioned that monogamy is the way it is, and so is cheating.  But having sex outside of marriage and having permission to do it just does not compute.  So the thought of meeting a husband is just downright fucking scary.

But I think for the most part, many of these “cheating wife” guys are out for the thrill of the kill, and you can thank porn for this.  And the Internet.  Look at how many banner ads you see for “Find a cheating wife in your area tonight.”  The porn industry knows what men want, and they cater to it.

Some of these guys contact us through swingers sites, but most of the “Cheating Wife Syndrome” guys find LM through her Yahoo! profile and the like.  And the funny part is her Yahoo! profile doesn’t say anything about us having an open relationship.  It’s just a generic profile in the Yahoo! directory.  These guys just IM her and hope they can reel one in.

This is just one of those things you deal with when you have an open relationship.  You have to expect a certain amount of this kind of thing because so many just don’t get what the whole thing is about.  They think it’s about finding replacement sex because what you have at home is unsatisfying.  They don’t realize that it’s not replacement sex, it’s simply additional sex.  It’s not better, it’s just different.  It’s because we have a great relationship and an overflowing sex life and we share the extra with others.  But since porn does not depict it this way general society thinks it’s what they see in movies and on the Internet.  But maybe that’s because that is what sells.  A married woman that has permission is no fun.  A cheating woman is.

~ Lucius Scribbens

Recently I have taken a new lover.  Which is good because I lost a lover not long ago because he reunited with his ex… blah blah blah (see previous posts from Mr. Scribbens). Now normally Mr. Scribbens must meet and approve of all potential lovers before any play time is allowed. Also, I made it a rule a few years back NEVER to get involved with anyone at work.  So far I’m breaking two rules.  Mr. Scribbens has been kind enough to let these two things slide… and can I just say THANK YOU MR. SCRIBBENS!

The truth is I’ve been eying Mr. X for the past year. We would occasionally pass in the break area or casually say hello from time to time but nothing serious.  It wasn’t until recently went out on a break that he and I both were talking to a mutual contact and we realized we had a hobby in common, photography.

Well that’s when I moved in for the kill. Every time I saw him I’d strike up the conversation and ask when we were going to go out and take pictures.   After a week, he gave me his card. Cell Number included… Jackpot!  I texted and he texted back. Then he called me. I flirted a bit and dropped hints here and there all the while bringing up my love of photography.  I gave him my email address and waited.  He emailed that night expressing a curiosity if was interested in more than just a photography buddy. (DUH YA THINK?) I suggested we meet and see how things played out. I of course had to run it by the Mr. to get the green light.

I had the green light to proceed with caution. See how Mr. X would respond and respect my marriage. The night we met it was clear we would get along well and I decided to quit worrying and just have some fun! Lucky for me he has proven to be very private and trustworthy.  We both have jobs we like and don’t want to loose them. I’m not going to stalk him like the single girls do. He can have his freedom and fun with me, the best of both worlds.  It’s a win-win situation for us both!

He’s been nothing short of a gentleman. He knows my marriage situation and is cool with it. He’s no pressure. But the biggest thing for me is that he treats me with the same kindness he would if he were dating a single woman. He opens doors, orders sushi, hell he even lit candles and put on mood music and loaned me his robe. He knows that he is an escape from the day to day for me.  It’s these things that make a great playmate.  To me, well worth bending some rules.

~ Lucretia MacEvil

So today I am catching-up on my MySpace messages and such and a sponsored link on the right side of my screen is for AffairMatch.com. “Affairs Made Simple” proclaims the headline, and it goes on to advertise: “Married Men & Women Seeking Affairs. Discreet Online Forum. Free Sign Up”

Now on MySpace such an ad doesn’t really surprise me since so many people use MySpace to hook-up with other people, and one of the most commonly asked questions I see on Yahoo! Answers is “I found my partner has a secret profile on MySpace and their relationship status is ‘single’. What do you think that means?” Plus, Mrs. Scribbens constantly gets emails from supposedly single guys on her MySpace, and nowhere on there does it elude to the fact that we have an open relationship. Both our MySpace profiles are totally vanilla and non-sexual in nature to protect our secret identities. But I guess these guys still think “What the fuck, it doesn’t hurt to ask, right?” And the correspondence to her always go the same route:

Stranger: Are you married?

Mrs. Scribbens: Yes

Stranger: Are you HAPPILY married?

Mrs. Scribbens: Yes

Stranger: Woud you like to meet anyway?

And it just goes down hill from there.

But MySpace actually allowing advertising that promotes it’s usage as a free cheater’s dating site just rubs me the wrong way. Especially since so many teenagers use it and could see the same sponsored links. What is this saying to them? What it’s saying is “It’s okay to lie and cheat, but not to be honest and open with your partner about your feelings, wants and needs.”

Does that surprise me? No. In my experience I’ve seen that most people can not be honest and open with their partner – the one person in the world they should be able to be the most open and honest with – because of the fear of their response: jealousy, anger, resentment. So they will be more honest with complete strangers than with their own partner. No wonder so many people say things after many years together like “I don’t feel I really even know you?”; “Why won’t you let me in?”. Well, experience has taught them that being honest and open with their partner about their fantasies always causes problems. They become insecure, jealous and defensive – “WHAT?! AM I NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU?!” And the fighting and hurt feelings start from there. And then they bitch to their friends about it:

“Why won’t he/she open-up to me? Why won’t he tell me his dreams and feelings and fantasies?”

Well, let me tell you why. Because whenever they do you become all insecure and butt-hurt and then at a later date use what they opened-up to you about to emotionally kick them in the balls whenever you are feeling insecure and butt-hurt again!

So it’s easier to just say nothing until years down the road a couple drifts apart because “they don’t really know each other” and they the find someone new and start the same destructive cycle all over again.

The funny thing is, according to virtually every study nearly 35% of women and 40% of men cheat on each other. And according to one study (I wish I could find where I filed it so I could reference it for you) 60% of women and 70% of men think about cheating and probably would if the opportunity arose and they knew they would never be caught.

So based on this fact alone, nearly 40% of couples do have an open relationship, just one member of the relationship is unaware of it.

So how many really do have open and honest open relationships of one nature or another? It’s hard to pinpoint a figure. I my experience and research the number that pops-up most commonly is 20% of all committed couples dabble in, or have an ongoing open relationship. This can be anywhere from trying a one-time threesome to dating others openly, swinging and polyamory.

Add this figure to the number cheating on each other and you find that 60% of all committed couples have an open relationship of some sort, and another 20% to 30% would if they thought their partner would go for it or they thought they could do it behind their partner’s back and get away with it.

In the meantime, I’ll just keep on living in bewilderment of those that would judge our open relationship while all the while cheating on, or thinking about cheating on their partner.