Tonight is the definition of “compersion”. All is right with the world at this moment.

Compersion: When your wife tells you another man makes her feel like a giddy 16-year old girl and you’re happy for her.

• Friday Q & A. (confessionsfrommyopenmarriage.blogspot.com)
• Jealousy, Envy, Compersion, A Mish Mash of Thought. (polygrrl.blogspot.com)
• Personal Stories on Polyamory and Compersion on Radio Netherlands Worldwide (practicalpolyamory.blogspot.com)

I love this series on a polyamorous triad in Seattle, especially since it is a male-female-male triad, not the (in my opinion) overly-common female-male-female type that it seems 90% of poly couples are looking for (that will be another post).  You can watch the censored versions from the 3 Dog Pictures website that link to the YouTube versions, or you can mosey-on over to North West Live for the uncensored versions that YouTube will not play.

Also, be sure to check-out the music from the series by Christopher Bingham.

And don’t forget the swag http://www.printfection.com/familythewebseries/

Links:

3 Dog Pictures  http://www.3dogpictures.com/

North West Live Family Page http://www.nwlive.tv/family/

Christopher Bingham http://www.christopherbingham.com/

A Harvard study has found that the reddest state in the nation, the state that many consider to be the most conservative, and one that constantly reminds everyone of it’s “family values” (like no one else has any but them) is also the largest consumer of subscription online pornography in the nation.  That’s right: Utah.

In fact, 8 of the top 10 states are “Red States”, predominantly Conservative Republican states with “conservative Christian values”.  The study concludes that those states that consume the most porn tend to be more conservative and religious than states with lower levels of consumption.

The two year study found that among broadband internet (cable, DSL, satellite, wireless high speed internet, etc.) users in Utah, 5.47 in 1,000 were buying online porn.

One “expert” has said that it is just the tip of the iceberg since the researcher only looked at AOL and MSN broadband records and the anonymous credit card purchases by zip code of a couple of online porn services, and there are hundreds porn services and broadband providers out there that weren’t included in the study.

The do-gooders in Utah have already come-out dismissing this as a Gentile problem (what Mormons call non-Mormons), implying that the 31% of Utahans that are not Mormon consume 100% of the porn.  However, the study doesn’t support that.  The study found that by zip code those areas with increased religious attendance on Sunday had corresponding decreases in porn consumption, but that increased consumption Monday through Saturday more than made-up the difference and put Utah in the lead.

What nobody is doing is calling a duck a duck.  They are skirting around the real issue: Sexual expression amongst sexually repressed people always finds an outlet, and usually not a healthy one.

Sex is as important to Human Beings as eating and breathing.  You need three things for life to continue in this world: You need to breathe, you need to eat and you need to have sex and procreate to ensure the continuation of any species of life on this planet, including humans.  Telling people they can’t have sex (or in any way trying to control how people have sex and when they have sex) is like telling people they can’t eat or breathe.  They will.  Every living fiber in their being tells them they have to, and 2,000 years of anti-sex propaganda can’t undo 200,000 years of biological programming.

Case in point: Catholic priests.  Catholic priests molesting alter boys and other boys in their congregation.  The Catholic Church played this off as a “gay” problem and vowed to better screen priesthood candidates to weed-out the homosexuals.  But these priests that molested alter boys were simply expressing their sexuality in the only way that was readily available to them, boys.  I contend that 99% of them are very heterosexual, but that these boys were the only outlet they had.  The same goes for the Boy Scout leaders who molest Boy Scouts.  They are easy prey for a sexually repressed, sexually frustrated man.  I say this because overall, girls are the victims of most sex crimes I the U.S., not boys.  Just in these instances boys are the most readily available outlet for that particular sex offender.

Think about this, how often are the words “I just can’t believe it.  He is an outstanding member of our church and just the nicest guy” (or some variant of that) spoken by a friend or neighbor when they are interviewed about some poor, “happily” married schmuck being arrested for molesting children?  It’s not openly gay men.  Boys are usually not the victims, either.  The majority of it is married heterosexual men that are out there preying on teenage and pre-pubescent girls.

Again, sexual expression amongst sexually repressed people always finds an outlet, and usually not a healthy one.

In my observations of porn usage the consumer usually falls into one of two categories: Those in sexually healthy relationships who have lots of sex, and good sex at that, who use porn on occasion as just another aspect of their sexuality together; and those that don’t have a healthy and abundant sex life that use porn as a replacement for what they don’t have.

The latter category uses porn to fulfill something that is missing in their life.  They may be in a committed relationship but feel unfulfilled sexually, so they use porn to fulfill what they aren’t getting with their partner.

As a guy I can say with pretty good authority that men in relationships look at porn that portrays sex acts they are interested in but that they cannot fulfill with their partner, or their partner won’t consider fulfilling for them.  This may range from any sex at all, to sex acts such as cumshots, threesomes, group sex, anal sex and many others.  Porn has evolved from mainstream penis-in-vagina to all sorts of niches.  Being successful in any business entails filling a need in the marketplace.  See a need, fill a need (no pun intended).  If the market for porn, and niche porn categories at that, wasn’t there the porn makers wouldn’t waste time and money making it.

But it is there.

There are enough men and some women out there that aren’t getting the amount of sex they need (though statistically men are the largest porn consumers), or of the type that turns them on, that porn has become the multi-billion dollar business it is today.

I feel that some of this also arises from supply and demand of willing partners.  If a woman is sexually unsatisfied at home it’s not too hard to find a willing man that will have sex with her, regardless of whether she is married or not.  However for men, especially married men, finding women willing to just have sex with them is a bit more difficult.  There just aren’t as many women out there willing to just get their rocks off with a married man as there are men out there willing to get their rocks off with a married woman.

So men turn to the next best outlet: The Internet and internet porn.

You see this all the time by the number of “single” men that are really married men cruising Craigslist and swingers dating sites for a quick hook-up; looking for an outlet for their sexual Self that their wife just doesn’t give them for one reason or another.

And the story is always the same: “I love my wife but she just doesn’t fulfill me sexually”.  Whether it’s the kind of sex that turns them on, the sexual variety they are looking for with her (she only does it in the missionary position) or simply enough sex, or any sex.

In her defense, she (and their relationship) was sabotaged from the beginning, from the time they were just children.  They are taught by conservative religious leaders and parents that sex outside of marriage is wrong, filthy and nasty and not enjoyable, but once you get married it will be okay and you’ll have better sex than those pre-marital sex heathens could possibly ever imagine.  You’ll have “soulgasms” with your spouse.

But the message that really sinks in is that sex “is wrong, filthy and nasty”.  You can’t put conditions on sexuality.  It is either good or bad. It was “bad” but now it’s “good”.  You can’t program a girl from the moment she’s born that if she has sex she’s a slut and like a used piece of bubblegum no one else will want you, but now that there’s a ring on your finger you’re not a slut and it’s all okay.

It’s not.  When sex is one of the biggest issues in divorce cases it just goes to show that many sexually incompatible people are getting married just to have sex and when it isn’t the “soulgasms” they were promised they are disillusioned and start looking for compatible sex, good sex, elsewhere: other people’s beds or internet porn.

Twenty-some years of programming just can’t be undone in the single moment a ring is slipped on her finger and the words “I do” are spoken.  Sex will always feel wrong and make her feel guilty, especially if she enjoys it.  In fact, enjoying it may just increase the guilt and confusion since it goes against everything she was told up to that moment.

And Utah is very politically conservative and very sexually conservative.  69% of young people are taught that sex is “wrong” outside of marriage (the bubblegum analogy above is a Mormon one).  I feel for this reason many young people get married just to have sex, so that they can justify their sexual longings and fight-off the guilt about it that has been browbeat into them from the day they were born.  They confuse being horny for someone with being in love with them.

I also think that this one of the big reasons marriages last five to seven years, because that’s how long it takes for the lust goggles to lose their rosy tint and real life to set-in (especially after children come along and sex is less frequent) and people wake-up one morning realizing that outside of having parts that fit together they would never had chosen to spend their life with this person were they not drunk on hormones at the time.

So Utahans (and other sexually repressed people) are getting married for sex, and when it isn’t all that it was cracked-up to be many of the men turn to porn to fulfill what is missing in their marriage; what they were promised they would have if they just walked the conservative, repressed straight-and-narrow.

That is why Utah and the other 7 conservative states in the top 10 are the largest consumers of paid porn in the nation.  That is the duck that everyone is saying isn’t a duck.

In short, those of us with happy, healthy sex lives aren’t looking at a lot of porn because we’re too busy having sex for real.

A slut is something people call a woman who’s having more sex than themselves.

~ Lucius Q. Scribbens

Rummaging around Yahoo! Answers the other day I came across a question from a distraught boyfriend who was having issues with his girlfriend’s past.  He asked the question: “What kind of woman sleeps with two men in one day?”

Here are the answers that he got:

“Oh please, clearly the woman is a slut. It doesn’t take a genius to figure that out. Go get yourself tested for stds and never call her again. She gets around the block. And around and around….”

“Oh please. You already know the answer to this… dump her and move on to another girl who’s list of sexual partners is shorter than your local phone book.”

“a very disgusting girl i think you should stay way from her she is probably all loose and has a sexually transmitte disease ewwww”

“…and who’s the idiot who calls this disgusting pig of a woman his girlfriend?”

“she mite not cheat on you but she is a fuckin slut”

“Sluts like that are fun to play with but you don’t want them whoring up your life.”

“S.l.u.t”

“it would be an insult to whores to call her one ! she is just a nasty pig and if I were you I would run for my life. you would really want to have kids with this pig? you will always wonder just what she is doing and will never ever trust her.good luck with the STD”s”

“shes just a plain common SKANK. Do yourself a favor, RUN and very fast at that, look for a decent girl”

“she is a very sexually driven women and has a past of a whore i truly would feel gross just kissing that women”

“dude i feel sorry for you. go to the doctor and get checked for stds. This girl clearly is gonna cheat on you when you get married.”

“marry her and accompany her to all the places where she goes probably u might get some free drinks , air tickets. If ur considering a career as a succesfull PIMP dont lose her..”

“n shez ur GF……..??? poor u…! shez a total SLUT man….! y u still being wid her ..?”

“can you trust her?? dude, are you for real? you’re in love with a ho and you know what to do.. unless all you want cheap sex and and an STD then move on.”

Are all these men?  No, most are women.  And what is sad is that this is general society’s view of sexually strong women.  And why is this?  And why does women, of all people, buy into it and persecute their own gender for being sexual, loving sex and being sexually experienced?

It’s almost understandable for men, after all the insecurity men feel over their sexuality and sexual prowess is deeper than a black hole.  And in truth they make their insecurity a huge emotional black hole for the women in their life.  Men (as evidenced above in the “sluts are fun to play with but you wouldn’t want one whoring-up your life” comment) lust after a sexual, pornstar-like “slut” of a woman, as long as they don’t have to have any emotional attachment to her.  For that they want a virgin, or at least a woman with little sexual experience or very few partners her past.  That way he doesn’t have to feel insecure about someone in her past being “bigger”, or “better” or “rocking her world” better than he does.  He doesn’t have to obsess over this every day of their relationship.  He can be King because a sexually inexperienced woman just doesn’t know any better.

But then they get bored with her.  They complain to their friends and coworkers about how boring their wife is in bed, or the infrequency of sex with her, or both.  Then they search-out “sluts” by joining swingers dating sites and pretending to be single to try to hook-up with experienced women who love sex, are experienced and are good at it.  Of course they also get disillusioned quickly when they don’t get a lot of response from swinger couples wanting to be his sex surrogate and help him cheat on his wife.  But that is a future blog.

So over years of Puritan conditioning our culture has been brainwashed into the idea that an experienced man is a “stud” and a “playa” and an experienced woman is a “slut” or a “whore”.  We hold men who score with lots of women in high regard, place them high on a pedestal and nearly saint them.  Hell, we even celebrate them through TV shows like “The Pick-up Artist” and “Rock of Love with Brett Michaels” where Brett gets to nail several women he’s thinking about marrying.

If we staged either show with a female lead it would never air, because that kind of behavior is simply not socially acceptable from a woman.

And women, for their part in all this, go along with it.  They vilify their own gender for being like a man and enjoying sex and being experienced. Yet they spend thousands of dollar to be “sexy”. The key message from society is “Be sexy, just don’t do sex. Unless it’s with one man only so that he doesn’t feel all insecure about his johnson.”

Then through all this men can’t figure-out why the woman they sought to marry – the “virgin” – doesn’t all of a sudden become a porn star in the bedroom (like their college girlfriend) once they are married.  Well sir, let me tell you: It’s because she was indrocrinated her whole life to be a “good girl” because men don’t want a “bad girl” for a wife.  She can’t undo 18-plus years of patriarchical brainwashing overnight.

The thing is that men do want a bad girl.  A slut.  They just don’t want them to ever have been a bad girl for someone else. If they have been then you get responses like those above: “She’s a skank, look for a decent girl”; “This girl is going to cheat on you when you get married”; “Go get tested for STD’s” (like a guy who gets around couldn’t have any); “She’s a whore and you can’t trust her”.

Hopefully someday these attitudes will go away.  I personally celebrate the “slut” in my wife.  I know that what attracted me to her in the first place was plain old hormones racing because she was hot and sexy.  I was attracted to her sex.  The emotional part of our relationship developed in the spaces in between fucking each others brains out.  So why would I want her to stop being sexual?  Why would I want her to stop being who she is, what made me want her so bad to begin with?  To ask her to shut this off to everyone but me would cause it to be shut-off for me, too – because you can’t be sexy for just one person in the whole world.  You’re either sexy to a lot of people or sexy to none.  Because I love her I could never ask her to stop being her just to make me feel comfortable about being me.

I’m not saying that everyone should have an open relationship, but every relationship should be open in that people can be who they are with each other and everyone should be secure enough in themselves to allow their partner to be who they really are without having to worry about hurting their loved one’s feelings.

Guys, your partner’s past is your problem, not hers.  Get over yourself.  If you are not secure enough in yourself to not let a “slut’s” past bother you, than find someone that is inexperienced and will bore the fuck out of you sexually the rest of your life.  Just don’t complain about it later and don’t ask us, with our good relationship, to make you feel whole.