You complete me… NOT.

“You complete me.”

-Tom Cruise as “Jerry Maguire” in Jerry Maguire

 “If you look to others for fulfillment, you will never be truly fulfilled.”

-Lao Tzu

This is a fundamental element of all relationships, but even more-so in open relationships such as polyamory.

You cannot look to others to make you whole or to fulfill you. You must be a whole, self-fulfilled person to have a healthy intimate relationship with anyone else. Looking for fulfillment from others is self-sabotaging: eventually they will fall short of your expectations and disappoint you, leading to resentment and unhappiness with them and the relationship.

To have a healthy relationship with someone else, you must first have a healthy relationship with yourself. To be with someone else you must first be okay with being alone. Because only then have you chosen to spend your time and emotional energy on someone else, rather than out of codependency.

When you are okay with being alone because you think you are pretty good company, so will others think you are pretty good company and want to be with you also.

Penn Jillette’s 10 Commandments for Atheists

When Glenn Beck challenged Penn Jillette to prove Atheists are moral by coming-up with his own 10 Commandments, Penn Jillette gladly took the challenge. I think the list has more to do with simply living in society than being applicable to whether or not you believe in a higher being. It’s about believing in a higher cause. Here are his 10 Commandments of Atheism from his latest book “God No: Signs You May Already be an Atheist and other Magical Tales”:

1. The highest ideals are human intelligence, creativity and love. Respect these above all.

2. Do not put things or even ideas above other human beings. (Let’s scream at each other about Kindle versus iPad, solar versus nuclear, Republican versus Libertarian, Garth Brooks versus Sun Ra— but when your house is on fire, I’ll be there to help.)

3. Say what you mean, even when talking to yourself. (What used to be an oath to (G)od is now quite simply respecting yourself.)

4. Put aside some time to rest and think. (If you’re religious, that might be the Sabbath; if you’re a Vegas magician, that’ll be the day with the lowest grosses.)

5. Be there for your family. Love your parents, your partner, and your children. (Love is deeper than honor, and parents matter, but so do spouse and children.)

6. Respect and protect all human life. (Many believe that “Thou shalt not kill” only refers to people in the same tribe. I say it’s all human life.)

7. Keep your promises. (If you can’t be sexually exclusive to your spouse, don’t make that deal.)

8. Don’t steal. (This includes magic tricks and jokes — you know who you are!)

9. Don’t lie. (You know, unless you’re doing magic tricks and it’s part of your job. Does that make it OK for politicians, too?)

10. Don’t waste too much time wishing, hoping, and being envious; it’ll make you bugnutty.

See, being a good person and respecting others should have nothing to do with the fear of what could happen to you in an afterlife, it should just be within you. If you are being good to others to impress some deity and not for them, than you are doing it for the wrong reason.

At the basis of the marriage debate

Marriage is not, and should not be a religious issue. If marriage is to be a religious issue than only churches should be allowed to issue marriage licenses, not the State, and only spiritual leaders of those religions should be allowed to marry people. Justices of the Peace, judges, police officers, and other public officials should not be allowed to marry people. Otherwise marriage remains a legal contract between two people regardless of gender orientation that any particular religion can decide to recognize or not.

REVIEW: Electro-Stimulation with The Nexus iSTIM

When my friends over at Va-Va-Voom contacted me about testing the Nexus iSTIM I was elated since electro-stimulation is so, well, stimulating. The thought of shocking people brings-out the sadist in me faster than you can say “electron flow”. So Va-Va-Voom sent me the Nexus iSTIM kit, the Nexus Glide plug/prostate massager, the Nexus iSTIM Attachments for use with the Glide (and other plugs and toys) and the Nexus C-Ring cock ring.

For those unfamiliar with the Nexus iSTIM, it is a TENS unit, a Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulator which stimulates the nerves with electrical impulses. The iSTIM is more to the point an erotic electro-stimulation device, also known as e-stim or electrosex. TENS units are non-invasive, safe nerve stimulation devices.

greek-physician

Not really Scribonius Largus because they didn't have cameras in 63 CE, but we'll pretend for this article, okay?

Using electrical current for pleasure (more to the point the reduction of pain) goes back to 63 CE and my ancient uncle and court physician to the Roman emperor Claudius, Scribonius Largus (not intended to be a factual statement since I couldn’t find anything on Ancestry.com). Uncle Scribonius discovered that pain relief, and thus pleasure, could be had by standing on an electrical fish at the seashore.

The first recorded uses of electric stimulation devices being used for sexual stimulation and pleasure occur in the 1740’s and by the late 1800’s electric current belts were being advertised as cures for impotence. In the 1920’s the American Medical Association investigated electrical stimulation devices and concluded that they were “more or less mechanical masturbation” (Author’s note: Sounds like a good thing to me). Modern electro-stimulation devices became more mainstream by the 1950’s being advertised to stimulate and relax muscles to relieve back and other areas of pain (isn’t that how vibrators got  their start, also?).

By the 1970’s ingenious kinks were making their own electro-stimulation devices by playing music on a phonograph and applying bare speaker wires to their genitals and other body parts, producing electrical impulses with the music (Author’s note: Rumor had it that The Who was the favorite of 8 out of 10 kinky hippies). More sophisticated kinksters (those that went to vocational schools) were making machines with copper plumbing parts and other metal bits and pieces, while using resistors to control the current being applied to the skin. With portable medical TENS units becoming available by the mid to late 1970’s, using electricity for erotic electrical stimulation became a much easier and more precise form of kink play.

On to the Nexus iSTIM itself.

Nexus iSTIM Base Kit

Nexus iSTIM Base Kit

The case the Nexus iSTIM comes in is fantastic. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a sex-oriented device packaged in such an uptown way. The hard plastic case has slide-locks to keep it closed and can withstand the weight of H2 Hummer (also not intended as a factual statement since I didn’t have access to a Hummer to test this theory). The base kit includes the iSTIM unit, a 9-volt battery, sticky electro-pads, leads and a snap connector that attaches the red lead to the Nexus C-Ring cock ring. From there, you can buy any number of attachments, plugs and dildos to use your Nexus iSTIM with. As mentioned, Va-Va-Voom sent me the Nexus Glide butt plug and Nexus C-Ring cock ring.

Intensity Controls on iSTIM

Nexus iSTIM Impluse Intensity Controls

The instructions have a very good overview of all the different functions of the iSTIM, such as how adjusting intensity (“bite” of the impulse), frequency (the length of time between impulses) and width (controls the size of the area that you feel the impulse) of the electrical pulses. The iSTIM has six pre-loaded stimulation programs as well as a full manual mode. Intensity and frequency of the electrical impulses can be fine-tuned with the preset programs also. The instructions are very good in this respect. But, the instructions are lacking respect to the actual use of the unit and it’s accessories. Rummaging around online I discovered that I was not the only one who thought so, either. But, with a basic knowledge of electricity it was not difficult to figure-out.

Nexus iSTIM with Glide Plugg/Prostate Stimulator

Nexus iSTIM Contacts Connected to Electrode Pads and Glide Prostate Stimulator

Always remember, all electrical connections need power and a ground. So two electrode pads or an electrode pad and the accessory will always be needed. For instance, if you are using the Glide butt plug you will need to attach the power lead (red) to the butt plug and the ground lead (black) to an electrode pad stuck to your butt cheek or thigh. When using the Nexus C-Ring cock ring the red lead goes to the cock ring and the black lead to an electrode pad attached to your thigh or pubic area.

My partner, Liquid Jade, and I started testing the iSTIM on her (of course because she’s a masochist and I’m a bit of a sadist). We first applied four pad as shown in the instructions on each of her inner thighs and began by letting the machine do it’s thing with the pre-installed programs and then messing around with the intensity and frequency of the electricity. Depending on the intensity the width, Liquid Jade compared the sensation ranging anywhere from a warm vibration to a feeling akin to being lightly tattooed in more sensitive areas (and she is heavily tattooed over much of her body). Although producing some pretty intense stimulation it wasn’t doing much for her arousal, so we moved the electrodes up to her pubic area, placing them on both sides and just above her clit. That did the trick and we were now on our way toward orgasm.

Nexus iSTIM Adjustments

Nexus iSTIM Adjustments for Mode, Time, Impulse Width and Impulse Rate

We messed around with the settings until we found the frequency, intensity (about 6 on the dial) and width settings that was moving her closer to orgasm, but after quite a while it just didn’t happen (author’s note: Liquid Jade is not a woman who cums on card tricks and it takes a while to bring her to orgasm in any situation). So out came the Hitachi Magic Wand.

The Hitachi directly on her clit working with the electrical impluses from the Nexus iSTIM produced a mind-blowing orgasm within minutes. The sensations of the rythmic pulsing of the iSTIM combined with the direct clitoral stimulation gave her an orgasm unlike one she’d experienced up to this point. Was it better than other orgasms? Not necessarily. As she put it: It was different and awesome in it’s own way. It was not at all like orgasms from other toys or methods. An orgasm she wants to experience over an over again. The Nexus iSTIM definitely added intensity as well as a new dimension to my Liquid Jade’s orgasms. The trick is finding which combination of intensity, rate and width really do it for you. I’m sure there is one or more that will work for Liquid Jade, but it will take more time to find it, and getting there is half the fun, right?

Stay tuned for Part 2 of our review where we try the Nexus C-Ring cock ring and the Nexus Glide butt plug/prostate stimulator.

State AG wants Sister Wives’ challenge of Utah’s anti-polygamy laws dismissed

So now that Kody Brown and his four wives have retained well-known liberal and civil rights attorney Jonathan Turley to sue the State of Utah, challenging the anti-polygamy laws here, state attorneys want the case dismissed because they suddenly aren’t prosecuting Kody Brown. They feel that  since they are not currently prosecuting the Brown’s, the Brown’s should not be challenging Utah’s laws against plural relationships (and bringing national attention to Utah on a subject that Utah doesn’t want to be in the spotlight for).

Well that is their argument at least. I think the fly in the ointment is that they haven’t pressed charges “yet”, the Lehi Police Department have not ceased their investigation of the Brown’s and the Utah County Attorney’s office has not said that they will not prosecute.

Now I have to hand it to Utah Attorney General Mark Shurtleff and his crew for leaving polygamists alone unless there are cases of child abuse, welfare fraud, domestic abuse, etc. But, Lehi City’s investigation and promise of pending charges against Cody and his family have driven them from a comfortable, custom-built home where they were all under one roof to Las Vegas, NV where they are living in three separate homes.

Also, the issue of the laws used to prosecute polygamists – bigamy, adultery, fornication and sodomy –  are still on the books and can be used to prosecute a lot of people, including polyamorists, swingers, gays (which the sodomy law between consenting adults is really about), single heterosexual people and couples that have a threesomes, etc.

Here’s what I think should be stricken from Utah Code:

Utah Code 76-7-101. Bigamy – Defense.

(1) A person is guilty of bigamy when, knowing he has a husband or wife or knowing the other person has a husband or wife, the person purports to marry another person or cohabits with another person.
(2) Bigamy is a felony of the third degree.

I’d like to see the whole of section 101 stricken, but I doubt it will. The least they can do is change the law to someone is guilty of bigamy if they actually marry more than one person, and get rid of that whole “purports” and “cohabits” part. This law right here puts any household with more than two non-family adults in jeopardy of being prosecuted if the State so wishes.

Utah Code 76-7-103. Adultery.

(1) A married person commits adultery when he voluntarily has sexual intercourse with a person other than his spouse.
(2) Adultery is a class B misdemeanor. 

Adultery needs to be stricken from the law completely. Not only are polyamorists and swingers guilty of this and could be prosecuted if the State wished to (I’ll lump couple’s who have the occasional threesome with swingers), but cheating happens in around 6 out of 10 marriages, whether discovered or not (and statistically probably around 40% of our lawmakers cheat on their spouse). It’s a law that is just plain outdated and unneeded. The AG says: “We never prosecute for adultery anyway.” Well than good. Get it off the books. Save some paper.

Utah Code 76-7-104. Fornication.

(1) Any unmarried person who shall voluntarily engage in sexual intercourse with another is guilty of fornication.
(2) Fornication is a class B misdemeanor.

Yes, in Utah, sex between people who are not married, and married to each other at that, is a Class B misdemeanor and is punishable by a fine and/or up to 6 months in jail,or both. That seems a bit harsh and outdated doesn’t it? With 7 out of 10 teenagers  having sex before they graduate high school, and almost all college kids and single adults having sex without being married, this law seems just plain silly.

76-5-403. Sodomy — Forcible sodomy.

(1) A person commits sodomy when the actor engages in any sexual act with a person who is 14 years of age or older involving the genitals of one person and mouth or anus of another person, regardless of the sex of either participant.
(2) A person commits forcible sodomy when the actor commits sodomy upon another without the other’s consent.
(3) Sodomy is a class B misdemeanor.
(4) Forcible sodomy is a felony of the first degree

How about we drop the consensual oral and anal sex thing and stick with just the Forcible sodomy part? Look, almost everyone does oral on their partner and many have consensual anal sex. People should not fear prosecution if the Attorney General’s office got a bug up their butt (in which case the bug would also be charged with sodomy). Besides, I’m sure every member of the Utah Legislature love’s their lover going down on them. But, when it happens our lawmakers are breaking the very laws they make. Every cop whose partner goes down on them is breaking the very laws they are sworn to uphold. This is a covert law particularly for gays, also.

So lets get these stupid sex laws aimed at polygamists and gays off the books and let consenting adults structure their relationships in any way they see fit without the fear of prosecution or having their children taken away from them. Then if the State wants to go after polygamists than let them do so for real crimes wherein people are harmed physically, emotionally and financially, such as: sex with minors, domestic abuse, welfare fraud, etc.