Polyamory 1 comment

Should you tell your family that you are polyamorous?

By on July 23rd, 2011

I found the following question in an advice column in The Guardian, a U.K. online newspaper and unfortunately I was not able to post a reply before commenting was closed, but it’s an important question and subject and thought it would make a good post and some possibly coherent ramblings.

Should I tell my parents about my polyamory?

My husband and I are polyamorous; we are both in multiple sexual relationships. My family (apart from my siblings, who are bemused and fascinated) are unaware of our arrangement. Given that it has been a feature of our relationship from the start, and isn’t going to change any time soon, I would like to tell them. My parents are fundamentalist Christians and will not understand. I want to be honest about the way I live and the people that I love, but I know that telling them will be upsetting, and that they may cut off contact for a while, possibly for ever. My mother will also blame herself, despite the fact that my polyamory is as innate as my bisexuality. Should I bite the bullet, or stay quiet for the sake of family harmony? My husband’s family know about our other relationships, as do some of the families of our other loves.

This is always a difficult situation. If you tell the judgmental ones in your family you risk losing contact (and Christmas dinner) with them for a while or forever. If you don’t tell them you risk losing your non-marital partner because they are going to feel like they are not important enough to tell your family about them.

You have to do what’s right for you, but keep in mind that polyamory is the family you chose and they chose you for who you are. Isn’t that supposed to be a major feature of a family, that they love you unconditionally? If they don’t, if they put conditions on their love, do they really love you? Or do they love the person they want (or believe) you to be?

What you have to do is decide who you want to be loved for: Who you are, or someone you have to pretend to be. There is only one way to be true to yourself.

Sexuality 1 comment

Does she really need his permission?

By on July 19th, 2011

I saw this question on Tumblr today. It was asked of a person who posts some pretty sexy photos, professionally done, amateur and submissions to his blog. The gist of it kind of irked me:

tumblr question Does she really need his permission?

What irked me is the idea that his girlfriend needed to “ask” him before she submitted a photo of herself to a site like his. I don’t feel she needs his permission. She should probably bring it up to him in a manner such as: “I’m thinking about submitting a nude photo of myself to this website. How do you feel about that?”

You see, she’s her own person. She doesn’t need his permission or approval to do anything that doesn’t harm him, such as cutting off his finger or shaving crappy designs into his hair. He may have an opinion on it and she should take his feelings into consideration, but ultimately it’s her body, her pictures and she can do what she wants with them. Then, he can deal with it however he will.

Requiring her to get his permission to do something such as this to me just screams of issues that require authoritative control over another to suppress. This behavior works for a while, but eventually leads to the destruction of a relationship.

This is especially true in polyamorous relationships that depend on the individuality and independence of the people involved while still being connected to them. Others independence must be respected while at the same time they must be aware of and consider their partner’s feelings and concerns.  It’s a very gray area where one person’s fist ends and their partners’ nose begins. Respect of everyone’s feelings is paramount while at the same time not infringing on anyone’s autonomy.

Polyamory 2 comments

A great music video about polyamory

By on July 16th, 2011

I came across this great music video about polyamory done to the music of Chairlift, a song called Bruises. The video is cute and the song is catchy. I’m looking for it on iTunes.

I don’t like the stereotypical FMF triad configuration, but I guess it is the scenario most palatable to general society. The scene where the guy gets jealous that the girls went out without him (or I am guessing without his “permission”) is just plain stupid being that this kind of behavior has no place in any relationship, polyamorous or not. But other than that this music video has a lot going for it, especially since they made-up instead of broke-up in the end.

0 A great music video about polyamory