Feeling kind of strange today. Mrs. Scribbens had her first real Dom/Sub training last night, her being the Sub and a good friend of ours being her Dom. It feels different to me. Like it’s one thing with her enjoying sex with someone else, or having intimate feelings for someone else, but having your wife dominated by someone else (being controlled, told what to do, etc.) brings-up a whole different set of emotions. Especially when you’ve spent allot of energy trying to make everything as equal as possible in your relationship.
However I know this type of sexual expression is something that Mrs. Scribbens needs to explore. It’s a part of herself that needs to be recognized and embraced for her to feel like… her. And I have a hard time dominating anyone else in any way. It’s not in my nature. So I have to stand aside, put my personal feelings and fears aside, and support her in this exploration.
But it’s still hard giving-up any or all control in this manner that I may have, real or imagined, to another person. In a way it feels like I am as much a Sub as she is. As much as she’s experiencing the physical and emotional aspects of a Dom/Sub relationship through her Sub training, I’m experiencing an emotional Sub “training” on a different level. It’s as though as much as she trusts and gives up complete control for a period of time to her Master, I feel I am also being submissive to her Master in that I have no control over it either. I’m giving-up complete power to her Master because I do love her and she does live with me.
And it’s not something I can do for her, therefore maybe there are some feelings of inadequacy creeping in where they shouldn’t be.
This isn’t like having feelings for someone else and being sexual with someone else within the realm of common sex. It’s not like common intercourse or oral sex that anyone can do, albeit some may be better at certain things than others, or at least you enjoy the differences in technique even as both are just as good as the other. A Dom/Sub relationship is on a whole other level that not everyone explores, and it has a specific mindset and there is a certain thrill and emotional satisfaction from either having total domination over someone else for a period of time, or giving-up total control to someone else for a period of time. And unlike good oral sex, I don’t know if I could ever provide that to Mrs. Scribbens. So this is as much an emotional release or loss of control for me as it is for her, just in a different manner. For her, she relinquishes control for a period of time than takes it back, but I’ve given it up and am not getting it back. Where it seems from my point of view that for her it is role playing that lasts a few hours, in supporting her to go there I have given-up that aspect of “us” forever and entrusted it to another person.
I know though, that this kind of play for her is important to release and express what needs to come out. That this is something she needs to do to be a healthy, happy person. That this is therapy for her ever-present need to control her surroundings in her daily life and her sometimes overwhelming frustration because she can’t.
What it really comes down to, though, is that I need to work on my own issues and feelings about relinquishing this part of our life to someone else, because my issues of loss of control emotionally are mine and mine alone. It’s part of growing emotionally and spiritually, and growing can be painful sometimes. But in the end it’s always worth it.