Bending the Rules

Recently I have taken a new lover.  Which is good because I lost a lover not long ago because he reunited with his ex… blah blah blah (see previous posts from Mr. Scribbens). Now normally Mr. Scribbens must meet and approve of all potential lovers before any play time is allowed. Also, I made it a rule a few years back NEVER to get involved with anyone at work.  So far I’m breaking two rules.  Mr. Scribbens has been kind enough to let these two things slide… and can I just say THANK YOU MR. SCRIBBENS!

The truth is I’ve been eying Mr. X for the past year. We would occasionally pass in the break area or casually say hello from time to time but nothing serious.  It wasn’t until recently went out on a break that he and I both were talking to a mutual contact and we realized we had a hobby in common, photography.

Well that’s when I moved in for the kill. Every time I saw him I’d strike up the conversation and ask when we were going to go out and take pictures.   After a week, he gave me his card. Cell Number included… Jackpot!  I texted and he texted back. Then he called me. I flirted a bit and dropped hints here and there all the while bringing up my love of photography.  I gave him my email address and waited.  He emailed that night expressing a curiosity if was interested in more than just a photography buddy. (DUH YA THINK?) I suggested we meet and see how things played out. I of course had to run it by the Mr. to get the green light.

I had the green light to proceed with caution. See how Mr. X would respond and respect my marriage. The night we met it was clear we would get along well and I decided to quit worrying and just have some fun! Lucky for me he has proven to be very private and trustworthy.  We both have jobs we like and don’t want to loose them. I’m not going to stalk him like the single girls do. He can have his freedom and fun with me, the best of both worlds.  It’s a win-win situation for us both!

He’s been nothing short of a gentleman. He knows my marriage situation and is cool with it. He’s no pressure. But the biggest thing for me is that he treats me with the same kindness he would if he were dating a single woman. He opens doors, orders sushi, hell he even lit candles and put on mood music and loaned me his robe. He knows that he is an escape from the day to day for me.  It’s these things that make a great playmate.  To me, well worth bending some rules.

~ Lucretia MacEvil

Advice for the Newbie Swinger

I wish I’d written this, but I didn’t.  This is some great advice for anyone thinking about swinging.  Hell, it’s great advice for even non-swingers to help them understand swingers and what the lifestyle is really about.  This post comes from The Swingers Board, which in my opinion is the #1 resource on the web for real information regarding that lifestyle.

So you want to be a swinger?

Some things … can you learn from an expert.

Other things … are better learned from a fool.

Regrettably: You won’t find many fools on the SB.

Fortunately … you still have me. (Uomo)

Here’s one fool’s advice (on lessons learned).

Until recently, I did not understand the lifestyle (in the least). So many misconceptions about what is … and what it is not … and what it can’t be. I’m still trying to make sense of it all … and thankfully … you are all helping me to see the error of my ways.

Here’s what it is not:

The lifestyle is not a place to repair a broken marriage.

The lifestyle is not a place where you forget about your spouse and revert to being single.

The lifestyle is not filed with horny women desperate to have sex with you … no matter how good looking you are (or how good looking you think you are).

And no matter how talented you may (or may not) be in the rack … you will never compare with their husbands.

Why?

Because more so than in the general population, women in the lifestyle … genuinely love their husbands. It is a love that most people (regrettably) will never know.

If you are lucky enough to have sex with them, I hope you enjoy it … but don’t kid yourselves: you will never make love to them. Women in the lifestyle make love to their husbands … and only their husbands. You will always be second-best … at best. And a very (very) distant second … at that.

The problem with lifestyle (or more appropriately: its image), is that if you hop around the internet, preview the swapper posts, gawk at the sexy profile photos (and the like), it is not difficult (for the novice like me) to be left with an impression that hedonistic sex is the order of the day (in the lifestyle). If you’re looking good … and she’s looking good … you’re going to hit it off and get it on, right?

Wrong.

(I think) the key to swinging success all can be summed up in three words: “Friends with Benefits.” Sure … we’ve all heard the phrase. It’s the order of the words I’d call attention to.

Before anybody is going to consider you for anything intimate, they have to like you as a person. Not just the wife … both of them. Now I could be wrong on this (and I am certain exceptions exist) … but the first thing most swinging couples want to know is: Do I like you? If I do … then maybe something will come of it. Or maybe it won’t. But if you go into it with the attitude (and intention of) shacking up with the guy’s wife … they will see right through you … and it will never happen. You have to be genuine. I don’t mean genuine as a “tactic for scoring.” I mean genuinely genuine. That’s why I think “Friends with Benefits” is spot on. You have to be “Friends” first. Only afterwards (Maybe): “Benefits.” Isn’t that what the lifestyle is really about? Making friends? I’d like to think so (but I could be wrong).

My advice (for the half-cent its worth):

Be a friend … and forget about “the hook up.” Have a nice evening out. If you do that … and if you genuinely get along … and if the right chemistry exists … guess what? I can’t speak from experience, but I’d bet you anything: the “benefits” … will all take care of themselves (without your even having to try). If, on the other hand, you’re only there for the “benefits” … then you’re not really a friend at all. You’re a user. The lifestyle community will see you for what you are. They are a very bright bunch (and great people). If they accept you into the fold … you’re a lucky couple.

And one last thing: be a friend to everyone at the event … not just those you are sexually attracted to. The other people in the room may have much more in common with you than the people who make your heart race (and you might have a whole lot better time with them, all things considered). I’m not saying you have to be best friends with people you have nothing in common with … but at least take the time to get to know them. If you zero in only on the sexiest person in the room, then I don’t care how genuine it is you think you are … you are not. A genuine person wouldn’t scope out the room with that kind of attitude.

The lower your expectations, the more worthwhile the experience … and then, who knows? More importantly: Who cares? Have fun.

That being said: I very well may have made another fool of myself (e.g. the blind leading the blind) … but … for better or worse, that’s just me. And for those of you who are reading this post who’ve never seen any of my other posts: I think it’s only appropriate that I disclose … I’ve got absolutely no credibility on this subject … just a body full of well-deserved bruises. If you want expert advice on the lifestyle … ask someone who can speak from experience. I’m brand new … firing from the hip.

Thanks again to all of you (my friends) on the SB. If my wife and I ever figure a way to make the lifestyle work for us … it will be because of your thoughtful efforts — Uomo

Read the whole thread here.

Men vs Women and finding partners in open relationships

Sometimes it’s hard being a guy. I’m not trying to sound like a martyr, what I mean by that is it seems more difficult for a guy in a committed relationship to find a playmate than is it a woman.  For instance, most men have no problems fucking a married woman (unless her husband knows about it, another phenomenon I’ll write about later), but many women shy away from hooking-up with a married man.  This may be a generalizing it a bit, but overall I think it is shown women generally hook-up for different reasons than men.

Most men want to get laid.  Plain and simple.  They produce a full load of semen and can impregnate a woman every 24 hours or less.  Nature begs men to do so and thus they spend allot of time trying to get laid.  Whether it’s for pleasure or procreation, that’s what we do.  I personally think it’s the subconscious need to procreate, but it expresses itself as seeking pleasure.

Women on the other hand have more to lose, or at least more invested in a possible coupling.  Sure nature may be telling her to have a baby, even on a subconscious level, but that is the exact reason she is more selective of who she has sex with, when she has sex, and why she has sex.  She’s the one that has to carry a child for 9 months and raise it.  Sometimes alone.

So in a nutshell, most men are looking to get-off and many women are looking for a relationship, or at least something that could turn into a relationship.  Therefore a married woman is simply another chance to get laid without any responsibility for her afterward.  Fuck her and send her home to her husband.  Women on the other hand for the most part aren’t looking for married men because there is no future with them.  Sure, he may have an open relationship and is fair game, but at the end of the night he’s still going home to his wife and she’ll still be alone.  Which is exactly what many men are looking for: a great fuck then back to his own selfish activities.

I say this now because looking back over the past year Mrs. Scribbens (Lucrecia MacEvil) has had many solo escapades with several single men, while I’ve had one with a single woman.  And that was 10 months ago.  Not for lack of trying, but simply for lack of prospects. It’s always the same story: “You’re married and nothing could ever come of this.” Or some variation of that.  A woman that has had threesomes with Mrs. Scribbens and I recently told her she’d love to be my girlfriend, but “I’d get to attached and at the end of the day I’d still be alone and he’d be with you.”

There’s no shortage of willing men lining-up to have sex with Mrs. Scribbens, and there are plenty of women that tell Mrs. Scribbens and I they’d love to have sex with me, but… (see the above paragraph for what comes next)

It almost seems that if I was cheating on Mrs. Scribbens I’d have an easier time of it because the parameters of the relationship would be defined.  Maybe in an open relationship such as swinging or polyamory the truth is just too much, or at least leaves the relationship too open-ended and uncertain.  With cheating you fuck, have a good time, and go home to your respective partners.  In polyamory it is not so simple.  Something more could develop, and maybe that’s the scary part.

In the end I think it’s just the difference of what each gender generally is looking for: one looks to get laid, the other looks for something more.

Again, I’m not saying that every man or every woman is like this.  I’m simply stating the “many” and “most” scenarios that make-up general society.  Obviously I’m different, and if you’re reading this, you are too.

~ Lucius Scribbens

SLUT!

A slut is something people call a woman who’s having more sex than themselves.

~ Lucius Q. Scribbens

Rummaging around Yahoo! Answers the other day I came across a question from a distraught boyfriend who was having issues with his girlfriend’s past.  He asked the question: “What kind of woman sleeps with two men in one day?”

Here are the answers that he got:

“Oh please, clearly the woman is a slut. It doesn’t take a genius to figure that out. Go get yourself tested for stds and never call her again. She gets around the block. And around and around….”

“Oh please. You already know the answer to this… dump her and move on to another girl who’s list of sexual partners is shorter than your local phone book.”

“a very disgusting girl i think you should stay way from her she is probably all loose and has a sexually transmitte disease ewwww”

“…and who’s the idiot who calls this disgusting pig of a woman his girlfriend?”

“she mite not cheat on you but she is a fuckin slut”

“Sluts like that are fun to play with but you don’t want them whoring up your life.”

“S.l.u.t”

“it would be an insult to whores to call her one ! she is just a nasty pig and if I were you I would run for my life. you would really want to have kids with this pig? you will always wonder just what she is doing and will never ever trust her.good luck with the STD”s”

“shes just a plain common SKANK. Do yourself a favor, RUN and very fast at that, look for a decent girl”

“she is a very sexually driven women and has a past of a whore i truly would feel gross just kissing that women”

“dude i feel sorry for you. go to the doctor and get checked for stds. This girl clearly is gonna cheat on you when you get married.”

“marry her and accompany her to all the places where she goes probably u might get some free drinks , air tickets. If ur considering a career as a succesfull PIMP dont lose her..”

“n shez ur GF……..??? poor u…! shez a total SLUT man….! y u still being wid her ..?”

“can you trust her?? dude, are you for real? you’re in love with a ho and you know what to do.. unless all you want cheap sex and and an STD then move on.”

Are all these men?  No, most are women.  And what is sad is that this is general society’s view of sexually strong women.  And why is this?  And why does women, of all people, buy into it and persecute their own gender for being sexual, loving sex and being sexually experienced?

It’s almost understandable for men, after all the insecurity men feel over their sexuality and sexual prowess is deeper than a black hole.  And in truth they make their insecurity a huge emotional black hole for the women in their life.  Men (as evidenced above in the “sluts are fun to play with but you wouldn’t want one whoring-up your life” comment) lust after a sexual, pornstar-like “slut” of a woman, as long as they don’t have to have any emotional attachment to her.  For that they want a virgin, or at least a woman with little sexual experience or very few partners her past.  That way he doesn’t have to feel insecure about someone in her past being “bigger”, or “better” or “rocking her world” better than he does.  He doesn’t have to obsess over this every day of their relationship.  He can be King because a sexually inexperienced woman just doesn’t know any better.

But then they get bored with her.  They complain to their friends and coworkers about how boring their wife is in bed, or the infrequency of sex with her, or both.  Then they search-out “sluts” by joining swingers dating sites and pretending to be single to try to hook-up with experienced women who love sex, are experienced and are good at it.  Of course they also get disillusioned quickly when they don’t get a lot of response from swinger couples wanting to be his sex surrogate and help him cheat on his wife.  But that is a future blog.

So over years of Puritan conditioning our culture has been brainwashed into the idea that an experienced man is a “stud” and a “playa” and an experienced woman is a “slut” or a “whore”.  We hold men who score with lots of women in high regard, place them high on a pedestal and nearly saint them.  Hell, we even celebrate them through TV shows like “The Pick-up Artist” and “Rock of Love with Brett Michaels” where Brett gets to nail several women he’s thinking about marrying.

If we staged either show with a female lead it would never air, because that kind of behavior is simply not socially acceptable from a woman.

And women, for their part in all this, go along with it.  They vilify their own gender for being like a man and enjoying sex and being experienced. Yet they spend thousands of dollar to be “sexy”. The key message from society is “Be sexy, just don’t do sex. Unless it’s with one man only so that he doesn’t feel all insecure about his johnson.”

Then through all this men can’t figure-out why the woman they sought to marry – the “virgin” – doesn’t all of a sudden become a porn star in the bedroom (like their college girlfriend) once they are married.  Well sir, let me tell you: It’s because she was indrocrinated her whole life to be a “good girl” because men don’t want a “bad girl” for a wife.  She can’t undo 18-plus years of patriarchical brainwashing overnight.

The thing is that men do want a bad girl.  A slut.  They just don’t want them to ever have been a bad girl for someone else. If they have been then you get responses like those above: “She’s a skank, look for a decent girl”; “This girl is going to cheat on you when you get married”; “Go get tested for STD’s” (like a guy who gets around couldn’t have any); “She’s a whore and you can’t trust her”.

Hopefully someday these attitudes will go away.  I personally celebrate the “slut” in my wife.  I know that what attracted me to her in the first place was plain old hormones racing because she was hot and sexy.  I was attracted to her sex.  The emotional part of our relationship developed in the spaces in between fucking each others brains out.  So why would I want her to stop being sexual?  Why would I want her to stop being who she is, what made me want her so bad to begin with?  To ask her to shut this off to everyone but me would cause it to be shut-off for me, too – because you can’t be sexy for just one person in the whole world.  You’re either sexy to a lot of people or sexy to none.  Because I love her I could never ask her to stop being her just to make me feel comfortable about being me.

I’m not saying that everyone should have an open relationship, but every relationship should be open in that people can be who they are with each other and everyone should be secure enough in themselves to allow their partner to be who they really are without having to worry about hurting their loved one’s feelings.

Guys, your partner’s past is your problem, not hers.  Get over yourself.  If you are not secure enough in yourself to not let a “slut’s” past bother you, than find someone that is inexperienced and will bore the fuck out of you sexually the rest of your life.  Just don’t complain about it later and don’t ask us, with our good relationship, to make you feel whole.

Injury, Illness and Break-ups

I’ve been meaning to write a post for quite a while now about a situation Mrs. Scribbens and I have encountered in the past few months, but it took me so long to write it that it’s completely changed, litterally made a 180 degree turn on us.  So here it is in today’s context.

Last winter Mrs. Scribbens and I were looking for a boy-toy for her.  Someone that we could have threesomes with and also someone she could see, and would want to see, on her own.  Basically someone that could fulfill the boyfriend status, someone that she could hang-out with to get away from life for awhile and someone that would also be friends with both of us.  Not necessarily looking for a romantic loving relationship, but at least one that consisted of being good friends and fuck-buddies.

We did meet such a guy.  We’ll call him D.  He was a great guy all around.  Newly single, late 30’s, mature, small business owner, grown kids, intelligent, funny and to boot, somone who really dug Mrs. Scribbens and really knew how to get her off.  On top of that he and I got along famously and we all could go out and have a great time.

Our relationship carried-on for about five months.  We would go out to parties together, tantric sex workshops, dinner, operas, etc., and he wasn’t shy about being naked and aroused around another man and therefore didn’t have any issues about having threesomes (which is a subject I’ll tackle in another post sometime).  He even threw Mrs. Scribbens a banging birthday party.

Then came the event that I was originally going to write about.  One day after Mrs. Scribbens and he were lying in bed after playing he professed his romantic feelings for her.  Then a week later while in another city, in another state, D was run over by a car in a hit-and-run accident while crossing a street.  He was in intensive care in a hospital hundreds of miles from home for several months with broken bones, barely functioning internal organs, crushed face and pelvis and possible permanent brain injury.  His family, who knew nothing about us or his private life as well as his ex-wife went to be with him.

We could not go.  First, we really couldn’t afford the trip and all we’d see is him in a coma in ICU.  Second, with his whole family there it would raise questions why “just friends” traveled several states away to see him in a coma in a hospital.  So we just sent a get well card as friends.  A week or so later we received a call from one of his siblings because they had shown him the card and he had responded positively to it.  So they had found Mrs. Scribbens phone number in his cell phone and called her to update her about his condition and the fact that he wanted them to call us.  From there we stayed in contact with his family to get regular updates on his condition.

Several weeks ago he was well enough to travel back to his home city where he spent time in a rehab center before being released to go home.  He’s settled in a bit now so Mrs. Scribbens sent him a text message inquiring about how he was doing and he called her back but did not leave her a voicemail.  So last night I send D a text message asking if he’d be up for some visitors this weekend, maybe watch a ball game on TV and just hang-out together (obviously anything sexual at this point is still out of the question).  He responded that it wouldn’t be a good idea because he had family staying with him and his ex-wife would be there.  Okay, no big deal.  I responded that if he needed anything to call us.  This morning I get a text message from him saying that he and his ex are back together, “I’m done”, and he thanks us for everything and in short, to not contact him again.

So originally the concept of this post was supposed to be dealing with the illness of someone you care about, but not being able to “be there” for them because of the nature of your relationship and their family simply wouldn’t understand and things could get very ugly for them… and possibly us if they were vindictive and wanted to pubically out us to those that don’t have any business in our private lives.  Instead it’s turned into a “What the fuck just happened?!” scenario.

Of course Mrs. Scribbens first reaction was “I feel so used” and “Why the hell would he do that?”  But thinking about it, given the traumatic events it makes sense that his ex-wife would suddenly love him again and he would need that affection.  So it is something that observed from 20,000 feet you would have seen coming.  Will it last with them?  We hope it does and that he is happy.  But we have our suspicions that once he recovers fully and life returns to “normal”, the same shit that lead them to break-up in the first place will surface again.  They haven’t changed.  They are still the same people that each other couldn’t stand to be in the same room with a year ago.  Just the situation has changed.  So we’ll see what happens when the situation turns back to one of previous normal day-to-day life for them.  Of course, we won’t be there for him this time.