Polyamory, Relationships, Swinging 2 comments

Fantasy vs. Reality

By biggerlove on September 16th, 2008

A tough part about any sexually and/or emotionally open relationship where relationships are allowed outside the primary relationship (i.e. either party can play solo and/or have a loving relationship with someone else not living with the primary couple) is time-share and fantasy vs. reality.  There are many good articles on web blogs concerning time-sharing between parnters, and maybe someday I’ll write one myself, but this entry is going to deal with fantasy vs. reality: the fantasy of a part-time lover vs. the reality of a primary partner.

Secondary partners (boyfriends/girlfriends) that don’t live with the primary couple are fantasy. They are a retreat from reality.  They offer a place where you can go and “chill”, watch TV, talk adult talk, go out on an adult date, have sex for hours on end without interruption, etc.  Secondary partners rarely if ever have to deal with all the stress of “real life” with their lover or with their lovers private issues such as mood swings, getting sick, stress of a job, cooking dinner for a family, etc.

Primary partners (husband/wife/committed relationship partner) are the ones that have to deal with all that and more.  They are the ones that deal with mood swings, PMS, anger, sadness, kids and school and soccer and baseball and football and schedules and money and jobs and bitchy coworkers and broken down cars and never having a minute alone with your partner to talk adult talk much less be able to steal away even 15 minutes to have sex much less an hour or more.

Fantasy… Reality… Fantasy… Reality.

This is something I’ve been thinking allot about lately.  Sometimes I feel short-changed in the relationship department because at this time I don’t have a girlfriend but Mrs. Scribbens has a couple of boyfriends she can spend time with to decompress and relax and have those hour plus sex sessions with.  We don’t have that together.  At least not on a regular basis.  By the time the kids are all fed, pets are fed, homework is helped with and more, if we get alone time (meaning the youngest falls asleep before we do) we’re either too tired to put much effort into sex or forgo it completely just to cuddle and fall asleep.  If we do get the chance, 8 out of 10 times we’ll be interrupted mid-screwing by a kid at the bedroom door.

Now this isn’t a problem that virtually all couples don’t have, because they do.  The difference is that monogamous couples don’t have others they can retreat to to get away from it all – unless of course they’re cheating, which statiscally more than 30% of women do and 40% of men do, so they just don’t have to worry about it because they don’t know about it.

For this reason I’ve been getting not jealous, but envious of Mrs. Scribbens and her lovers recently.  I feel like I get the “reality” stuff and they get the “fantasy” side of her.  I’m sure that if the tables were turned she’d feel the same way, too. Goddess knows I’m not the easiest person to live with, I have my foibles for sure.

So this is something that sometimes is hard to deal with, at least momentarily.  I think to make it work you really have to give that extra attention to your primary partner when you are together, whether it’s directly through making time for sex, or even being more attentive to their emotional needs.  Everyone needs to feel fulfilled for it all to work well.

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A quote I like

By biggerlove on September 4th, 2008

“Love withers under constraints: its very essence is liberty: it is compatible neither with obedience, jealousy, nor fear: it is there most pure, perfect, and unlimited where its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve.”

Percy Bysshe Shelley, Queen Mab notes

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First foray into Dom/sub relationships

By biggerlove on August 27th, 2008

Feeling kind of strange today. Mrs. Scribbens had her first real Dom/Sub training last night, her being the Sub and a good friend of ours being her Dom. It feels different to me. Like it’s one thing with her enjoying sex with someone else, or having intimate feelings for someone else, but having your wife dominated by someone else (being controlled, told what to do, etc.) brings-up a whole different set of emotions. Especially when you’ve spent allot of energy trying to make everything as equal as possible in your relationship.

However I know this type of sexual expression is something that Mrs. Scribbens needs to explore. It’s a part of herself that needs to be recognized and embraced for her to feel like… her. And I have a hard time dominating anyone else in any way. It’s not in my nature. So I have to stand aside, put my personal feelings and fears aside, and support her in this exploration.

But it’s still hard giving-up any or all control in this manner that I may have, real or imagined, to another person. In a way it feels like I am as much a Sub as she is. As much as she’s experiencing the physical and emotional aspects of a Dom/Sub relationship through her Sub training, I’m experiencing an emotional Sub “training” on a different level. It’s as though as much as she trusts and gives up complete control for a period of time to her Master, I feel I am also being submissive to her Master in that I have no control over it either. I’m giving-up complete power to her Master because I do love her and she does live with me.

And it’s not something I can do for her, therefore maybe there are some feelings of inadequacy creeping in where they shouldn’t be.

This isn’t like having feelings for someone else and being sexual with someone else within the realm of common sex. It’s not like common intercourse or oral sex that anyone can do, albeit some may be better at certain things than others, or at least you enjoy the differences in technique even as both are just as good as the other. A Dom/Sub relationship is on a whole other level that not everyone explores, and it has a specific mindset and there is a certain thrill and emotional satisfaction from either having total domination over someone else for a period of time, or giving-up total control to someone else for a period of time. And unlike good oral sex, I don’t know if I could ever provide that to Mrs. Scribbens. So this is as much an emotional release or loss of control for me as it is for her, just in a different manner. For her, she relinquishes control for a period of time than takes it back, but I’ve given it up and am not getting it back. Where it seems from my point of view that for her it is role playing that lasts a few hours, in supporting her to go there I have given-up that aspect of “us” forever and entrusted it to another person.

I know though, that this kind of play for her is important to release and express what needs to come out. That this is something she needs to do to be a healthy, happy person. That this is therapy for her ever-present need to control her surroundings in her daily life and her sometimes overwhelming frustration because she can’t.

What it really comes down to, though, is that I need to work on my own issues and feelings about relinquishing this part of our life to someone else, because my issues of loss of control emotionally are mine and mine alone. It’s part of growing emotionally and spiritually, and growing can be painful sometimes. But in the end it’s always worth it.

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The battle between polyamorists and swingers

By biggerlove on August 27th, 2008

Recently I was reading a polyamory message board I subscribe to and came across a post from a couple just introducing themselves to the group. This couple is looking for a poly relationship but have been discouraged because as they put it: “All that’s out there is swingers and polygamists”.

Wow. This is a stark reminder of the constant battle and differing views between swingers and polyamorists, both thinking the other is “wrong” or “unethical” or “immoral”.

See, many swingers get their panties all in a wad at the mere mention of feelings and intimacy developing between play partners. They recoil like a surprised snake ready to strike back. And often they do. I can’t tell you the number of times Mrs. Scribbens and I have been on the other side of a scared swinger loudly proclaiming that if feelings were ever to develop between their spouse and someone esle how it would end right there and yadda, yadda, yadda.

Of course this reaction is based solely in fear and insecurity. It’s the fear that if feelings develop they may get left for the other person or not be number one in their partner’s life or that their partner may only love them half as much.

On the other side is the polyamorists. Some seem to think they are an evolved species, far above the lowly, morally bankrupt and unethical swinger because they “love” their partners, not just have sex with them. It’s an arrogant and self-righteous stance taken by some to justify having sex outside their primary relationship; it’s okay because they are “in love” with their third.

Of course this reaction is based on the concept that only sex within a committed relationship is permittable, so they seek and develop several committed relationships to justify having a sexually open relationship. It’s also based in their deep-rooted beliefs from their upbringing that what they are doing is not right, so they proclaim their “correctness” loudly and proudly, demoting some in hopes of elevating themselves in the eyes of others and thus justifying their beliefs to themselves.

The fact is that there is quite an overlap between swinging and polyamory. Imagine if you will two circles, overlapping at one side. In one circle you have the pure swingers and in the other you have the pure polyamorists. However in that overlap area are the swingers that are open to polyamory and the polyamorists who are also open to the purely recreational sex that swinging provides.

Mrs. Scribbens and I fall in that overlap.

We see many other couples in this overlap also. Swingers who become “exclusive” with another couple or a single for quite a while (say 3 – 12 months) and polyamorists who practice what I call “serial polyamory” where they are in a committed relationship with another single or couple for a while (say 3 – 12 months) than move-on to another couple or single. The swinger couple won’t admit they are practicing polyamory in even it’s basic form and the polyamorists won’t admit that they are swinging in even the loosest meaning of the word. But the fact is they are both doing the same thing, just calling the same horse by a different name, and in some case throwing rocks at each other for doing it the way they do because it’s “wrong”, “immoral” or “unethical”.

Mrs. Scribbens and I subscribe to the idea that “Whatever gets you through the night’s alright.” Any form a happy, healthy, loving adult relationship takes is “right” because it’s right for the people involved. Nobody has a right to throw rocks at the other proclaiming that their way of living and managing relationships is any more right than someone else’s. And the people that do so are just as bad as the “traditional” relationship folks that anger them so for judging their alternative lifestyle.

For us, Gus from My Big Fat Greek Wedding sums it up best: “Here tonight, we have, ah, apple and orange. We all different, but in the end, we all fruit.”

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