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Perceptions of Polygamy

By on October 10th, 2010

It’s amazing the number of “experts” there are on polygamy. The new TLC series “Sister Wives” has brought them out in droves. Here’s my thoughts on a few of them.

This Internet tabloid article about TLC’s Sister Wives and the comments of their “expert” on polygamy deserve a response.  The “expert” is 77-year old John Llewellyn, a former Salt Lake County Sheriff deputy and polygamist (and from his comments a junior misogynist) himself. Here’s what he has to say:

In 1994 all of my wives left me except for one. I’m now married monogamously and I can tell you life is a lot more smooth. It’s not easy being married to more than one woman, especially if they’ve got any spunk or spirit to them. You’re constantly having to reassure them that they are loved.

Well, if not just one but all your wives leave you I’d have to believe it has more to do with you than the situation.  Comments like “It’s not easy being married to more than one woman, especially if they’ve got any spunk to them” shows your beliefs about women; that they should be reverent and submissive.  If they were a secure person they wouldn’t need constant reassurance. Being told is one thing, having to constantly be reassured is another issue altogether.

It’s a hard life to live, I’d say you’re better off having a mistress than plural wives.

Wow, how a person who promotes cheating over honest, consensual plural relationships can have any credibility as an “expert” is beyond me.

… jealousy is a huge factor.

And it isn’t in monogamist relationships? I know women that won’t even let their husband read Playboy. I know men that record the mileage on their wife’s car everyday and know exactly how far it is to everywhere their wife says they are going that day – and there aren’t even other people in the picture with these couples, it’s just the fear that there could be. We won’t even go into all the “crimes of passion” where one person kills another for cheating on them. That rarely if ever happens in a polygamist or polyamorous situation.

There isn’t a plural family that didn’t have a lot of internal domestic problems; jealousy is a huge factor. It’s all about power, money, sex and ego. A man wouldn’t be normal if his ego wasn’t inflated by having multiple wives. A lot of polygamist men are narcissists and that’s what appears to be Kody’s motivation.

Isn’t a plural family that doesn’t have a lot of internal domestic problems, eh? Given that over 50% of monogamous marriages fail I’d say there is plenty of domestic problems and strife there, also.  I’ve always held that you can’t truly see inside someone else’s relationship. You only see what they want you to see.

Power? Money? Sex? Ego? Narcissism? I’d say most men are predisposed to those. Everything in a man’s life, from the moment he’s born is about being the most powerful, the richest and conquering the most women. It’s rare the man that overcomes these negative mannerisms.  Again, these are not the characteristics of a man in plural relationships, these are characteristics of most men. In fact the past couple boyfriends of my oldest daughter are all of these and insanely jealous, also.

New York family attorney Vikki Ziegler goes on to say:

Polygamy is rarely prosecuted unless children are being harmed, but clearly polygamy is a crime and it’s being exploited. It’s a risky move for TLC to air this show knowing he is committing a crime, because the US Supreme court sees it as a crime.

In Utah so is sex between any unmarried people (Utah Code 76-7-104: Fornication) and adultery (Utah Code 76-7-103), however these are rarely prosecuted unless a jilted spouse brings them up in a divorce case. Hell, if they were 80% of Utahans have or currently are breaking the law.

Constitutional law expert and law professor Jonathan Turley has taken-on the Brown’s case.  The State of Utah has long known of the Browns, but has never investigated before now. In fact, Christine has been an intermediary for polygamist matters with the State Attorney General’s Office. Between not investigating them before and the fact that Utah doesn’t enforce some other “offenses against the family” makes this a case of “selective prosecution”, which is of itself illegal in the United States.

I’m sure I’ll have more to say as more “experts” come out of the woodwork. Geraldo Rivera is the next one.

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Polygamy, Polyamory, Sister Wives and You

By on October 4th, 2010

Some of you may be saying to yourself: “Self, why has Lucius Scribbens developed such an interest in polygamy and the plight of the Brown’s (the family featured in the TLC reality series Sister Wives) in Lehi, Utah?”

Well it’s like this.  The starts of TLC’s new series, Sister Wives - Kody Brown and his wives Meri, Janelle and Christine (and soon to include Robyn) – represent more than polygamy.  They are a very functional, long-term plural quad with 15+ years together and 13 kids, and any consensual plural relationship that constitutes commitment (such as they exhibit) could be prosecuted under current bigamy laws across the United States.

sister wives four1 300x157 Polygamy, Polyamory, Sister Wives and You

The stars of TLC's new series Sister Wives

Just because you are legally married to one person and have a handfasting to another, doesn’t make you safe from being convicted of a third degree felony for bigamy.  You are under U.S. laws, a polygamist… Like it or not.  The only thing saving your ass at this very moment is that you aren’t Mormon therefore you aren’t garnering the attention of the representatives of the State.

The U.S. Model Penal Code (MPC) states that you don’t have to be married to more than one person, you only have to say that you are to be guilty of bigamy.  Hell, in eleven states just coinhabiting with someone other than a family member is illegal and can earn you a fine and possibly jail time.

Sure, many of these laws are not enforced because they are just asinine and lets face it, impossible to enforce.  Can you imagine trying to round-up all the single people bumpin’ uglies and prosecuting them for fornication?  The public would go fucking crazy with the misappropriation of their tax dollars and the waste of police and court resources.

Yet, we’ll prosecute Kody and his wives for having a consensual adult relationship where the children are very well adjusted and if anything overly loved and cared for.

But that doesn’t matter, busting and prosecuting those with relationships different from your own is what’s important.  Just ask the Lehi, Utah Police Department.

That is why I have a sudden interest in polygamy.  Because it’s not just a “Mormon” thing.  It’s any and all relationships that involve more than two adults.  What happens in British Columbia with polyamorists challenging polygamy laws will set precedence for that country.  What happens to the Browns with their consensual, very loving and very long plural “marriage” could set the groundwork for all of us who currently love or at one time will love more than one person at the same time in a consensual relationship.  This isn’t just prosecuting Warren Jeff’s and his band of teen-lovin’-arranged marriage-middle-age men anymore.  This has now crossed the line to honest, loving relationships between consenting adults.

And for that reason you should also be concerned.  The big picture is it’s cases like this that develop the legal precedence for future instances of seemingly similar situations.  We either protect everyone’s right to live in the consensual adult relationships of their choice whether plural, Dom/sub, Master/slave, etc., or we just roll over and don’t whine when all of a sudden our rights are being infringed upon. Just because it’s someone else today doesn’t mean it won’t be us tomorrow.

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Polyamory and personality traits

By on September 19th, 2010

I wrote a lengthy response on the OKCupid forum to a thread about personality traits of polyamorous people.  I was a bit taken aback by how many people were ascribing traits to polyamorous people that are the main traits that cause monogamous relationships to fail. Traits like fear of communicating with your partner or being honest with your partners or fear of commitment. The idea that all polyamorous people are ADHD was thrown-out there also.

So since I spent so much time writing it there and being it made for a good blog post, I thought I’d also share it here.

I find it very curious that personality traits that MOST people possess, and are common to monogamous relationships as well, are being attributed solely to polyamorous people.  Comments like:

fear of being fully known (masking fear that one is ‘bad’, deep-down)

This is a characteristic of jealousy, the fear that you are not “good” enough or that if someone knew the true you they wouldn’t want to be with you.  So you “keep” them close through jealous actions such as not letting them experience others in social situations without yourself present or cutting your partner off from friends and family; anyone the jealous person sees as a threat to their happiness.  The protect themselves under the guise of “protecting” their partner.

In my experience many monogamous people will talk to me about sexual and relationship issues that they won’t talk to their partner about because they fear being rejected or their partner geting angry, jealous or otherwise hurt.

One common trait of many monogamous relationships, and one that keeps counselors and therapists in Mercedes and million dollar homes, is that people can’t be fully honest with their partner about their wants and needs. For instance when they talk to their partner about their sexual fantasies their partner reacts negatively with the “what, I’m not enough for you?” or they fear being viewed as perverted or wrong for having that desire. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard of a wife or girlfriend wigging-out because their partner brought-up a fantasy about a threesome or some other sexual act they don’t presently do, I’d be a very rich man.

For the most part polyamorous people don’t fear this since part of having a variety of partners is you and your partner’s acceptance to recognize and admit that there are just some things they can’t do or have no interest in doing, but they are also not threatened by someone else’s ability or desire to do so because they know that they are just one part who their partner is, and no way does it define who they are in whole.  Therefore they know their partner isn’t going to leave them just because they don’t have an interest in say BDSM, and someone else does. What they can and do offer fulfills just as large and important a part of their partner as someone else does with something else, whether this something else is an interest in photography, art, bird watching, golf, or bondage.

This doesn’t mean that polyamorous people never feel jealousy, it simply means they manage it well through open communication and respect for each other.

fear that one might become emotionally dependent on one partner and then lose them and be unable to recover.

This goes back to the general perception that because you don’t have a “one and only” that you can’t commit for whatever fear of commitment you may have.  Anyone who’s been close to a truly polyamorous person (not just one saying they are to get some strange) will tell you that commitment is THE basis behind polyamory. Believe me, losing a long-term partner in a polyamorous relationship is not any easier than losing one in a monogamous relationship. My wife was devastated for months when she and her other partner broke-up.

fear of missing out — that the grass might be greener in unexplored meadows.

Here you’re confusing the typical monogamous idea of stringing someone along without full commitment because something “better” might come along with a polyamorous relationship. The whole idea of polyamory is that everyone is unique and that no one partner is “better” or more important than another. You’re not looking for something that might be better; in fact the polyamorous person recognizes the uniqueness and specialness of each person in their lives and they cherish and celebrate the different dimensions those traits of their partners bring to them.

In short, unlike in a monogamous relationship, they aren’t throwing away one good relationship just because someone that adds something different and momentarily more interesting to their life comes along. They add it to their life like adding another Lego to the block.

fear of not being ‘enough’ for one partner.

This goes back to my first point of jealousy. This is primary characteristic of a jealous person, and polyamorists for the most part are not jealous people or they couldn’t be polyamorous. Polyamorists know they are just what their partner wants or their partner wouldn’t be with them. Why? Because the door is open for them to leave if they want and they don’t. So obviously you’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and gosh darn it, your partner loves you.

like fear of being completely honest about other relationships, an irrational feeling that one should hide them despite loving evidence to the contrary.

Ah, this is not a trait in of a polyamorous person. Polyamory is all about the naked truth and not hiding other relationships. Polyamory by definition is: the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

In most polyamorous relationships everyone involved in the relationships are at least friends even if not lovers. I have always been friends with my wife’s other partners and we hang-out together, go to car shows together, go to BBQ’s and function at friend’s homes, even at our non-polyamorous friend’s. My wife’s partners are very important to me because they are important to her, and visa-versa with her.

Less than full disclosure and being completely honest about other relationships is not only less than polyamory, it’s closer to cheating or having a “don’t ask, don’t tell” open relationship.

it has been rare for me to meet a poly person who does not identify as having ADD, and somewhat rare to meet a mono person who does.

This is a rather generalized statement since ADHD is far more prevalent than polyamorous people are, as such there are many, many more monogamous people who are diagnosed as ADHD than there are polyamorous people.

Overall, as others have said and I’ve seen in my own life, the polyamorous people I know are highly educated and thus usually have white collar careers in management or work high tech fields, and are very introspective, which you pretty much have to be to have an open relationship. Nothing can be taken for granted because open relationships take a lot of honesty, selflessness, communication, understanding and self-confidence to work. In fact, they are a lot of work. Polyamory is not for someone looking for the easy road or for someone that isn’t willing to work at a relationship, much less a couple of relationships.