Our Household and Polyamory

There is a lot of buzz around Showtime’s new show, Polyamory: Married and Dating, and from the reviews I’ve read it’s full of clichés and stereotypes about polyamory: Lots of girl/girl sex, showering together, FMF triad, sex, drama, jealousy, more sex and some dancing around the house in next to nothing. In fact, I think the only ones they missed were hippies, communes and Paganism.

So I thought I would share an average day in our life in hopes of shedding a little light on the real life of a polyamorous household. You know, not ones done for reality TV and ratings.

We are a polyamorous V, with my partner LJ being the tip of the V with me on one side and her husband on the other. We have three children in the household: my two children, one in elementary school and one in high school and LJ and her husband’s elementary school aged child.

All three of us adults are in white-collar careers. We have three cars, three birds, thee cats and two dogs (I guess we need another dog).

Our life is really mundane and normal and wouldn’t make for good TV.

A typical day during the school year starts with getting the kids ready for school and getting ourselves ready for work. We drop the kids off at school and we adults go to our respective places of work. Come afternoon the trip and two of us three pick up the kids from the three different schools they attend and then head home. I work a part-time night job, so if it’s a night I work I then get ready for my night job and head-out the door. If not than we do the typical family dinner thing, the kids rotate through the bath tub and/or showers and go to bed. Us adults hang-out for a while, watch some TV together or a movie, play on our computers and iPhones and generally relax until we’re ready for bed ourselves. If I’m working, LJ and her husband do the same without me. The youngest two are also involved in gymnastics, so the extra-curricular activities requiring a mom-cab or dad-cab that is present in many two parent, monogamous households is also present in ours.

The next morning we start it all over again.

When the kids are on summer vacation we rotate work-from-home days so that there is always an adult home with the kids.

We go to dinner together, we go to the zoo, we go hiking, we go to the planetarium, we see movies, we get yogurt at the yogurt shop, we take the kids swimming, we do yard work, we take the pets to veterinarian appointments, we work-out transportation arrangements if one of our cars in the shop, we do grocery shopping, we go to the gym, we have doctors and dentist appointments. In short, we do everything a single or two parent household does, it just takes two cars to get there (we really need a SUV or van).

What is different from many two parent households, mine included up until two years ago, is that our kids are not latchkey kids. They don’t come home from school to an empty house. There is always someone to help them with homework. Between our three respective educations we have different areas of knowledge that can help our kids with various subjects in school. The workload required of an adult, of a parent, is now spread over three adults, not just two or one.

What you won’t find in our household that you do in Polyamory: Married and Dating is:

  • We do not all sleep together in one bed.
  • Not everyone in the relationship is involved romantically and/or sexually with everyone else.
  • We do not all shower together.
  • It is not a 24/7 orgy. In fact, we’ve never had a threesome.
  • None of us work in the field of holistic sexual healing arts.

Nobody would guess our home life and relationship just by looking at us. I also don’t know of any other poly households in our community that look like the ones on Showtime’s Polyamory: Married and Dating. So when I say that the quad and triad on that show does not represent the typical polyamorous household, you can be assured they don’t. Some may look like theirs. Most don’t.

As I said in the beginning, our life is as run-of-the-mill and mundane as anyone else’s.

  • Alilbirdie5

    Is your partner your kid’s mom? Of not is she part of their life? How do you balance all those emotions of step parents?

  • Lucius Scribbens

    My partner, LJ, is not the mother of my children. The are both from a previous marriage and live with us full time and visit their biological mom on the weekends. As far as balancing the emotions of children and step parents? At first it was different for the kids, especially since their mother and I had split just a few months earlier, however over the last year and a half under the same roof they call my partner “Momma LJ” and they call her husband by his name and we all do things and family and over all they are very well adjusted. I have to credit LJ for that, though. Her heart it huge, her caring for others even greater and she has a sense for fairness that is beyond imaginable. Since day one she’s (and her husband) made sure it has never been a “us vs. them” mentality in the house and everyone shares equally in everything. No kid is left-out. 

    As I’ve said in other situations, it’s the people in a relationship that make it work or not work, not what the relationship looks like.

    Thank you for your question.

  • Bikil

    Gosh your typical day sounds familiar! Ours is very much the same except we have 2 men and 2 women and 3 kids ranging from highschool to preschool. Like you, we don’t all sleep in the same bed, not everyone has sex with everyone else, and sometimes we really want a big ol’ van because trying to get 7 of us somewhere takes 2 cars. Just wanted to chime in that we are another big happy poly family that does not follow the stereotypes from Showtime! 

  • THANK YOU SSSOOOOO MUCH!!!! I HATE this new show from my very core. Just when poly is coming more into the light of course they stain it with things like these people and this show. I REALLY REALLY wish they would just have a normal show that has people like you and your family on it, just “normal” poly people…not these kind of ones (which to me are the extreme minority class of polys out there, most are just normal boring people). My family is actually even more boring than your is,lol. We’re a MFM Vee (me being the center, and being married to both of them) and we don’t have any kids. My husbands only relationship between them is that of brothers/best friends. So it really is just like any other relationship (just with one extra person around,lol). The only difference is we do share a bed but not for any real reason other then I like to cuddle and we have a very small apartment. I just hope that even though this show is a SAD EXCUSE for a poly show that fingers crossed it will lead to a REAL poly show one day showing that we really are just like everyone else out there…