What’s your best advice to get around and properly deal with jealousy when in a polyamorous relationship?

From Formspring:

What’s your best advice to get around and properly deal with jealousy when in a polyamorous relationship?

Work on yourself.  A competent and self-confident person rarely feels jealousy in any situation.  Remember that jealous is really just neurotic insecurity. It’s the fear that you aren’t “enough” for your partner and they will prefer someone else over yourself.  Whether this is good enough, sexy enough, thin enough, big enough boobs, big enough cock, kinky enough, etc.  What it all comes down to is it’s your issue(s), not your partner’s.

Remember that your partner is with you because they want to be, not because they have to be.  You’re holding the door open for them to leave, yet they return.  Keep in mind that you offer something to your partner, fulfill something in them, that nobody else does.  That there is not another you in this world and therefore you are special to your partner(s) in a manner that no one else in their life is.

You have to ask yourself what it is that’s really bothering you and why it bothers you.   To get to the bottom of it, ask yourself what is bothering you. Then ask yourself why that bothers you.  Then ask yourself why that bothers you, and so on until you get to the real root of the issue.  Many times what the issue appears to be on the surface is not what it really is, it’s just a disguise that jealousy wears.

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  • Very nicely said. 🙂

  • I’d also like to add: get to know the person you’re jealous of. While jealousy stems from the fear of not being good enough the other side of that coin is the assumption that the other person is somehow better than you. This can be seen as a “fear of the unknown” and nothing defeats the fear of the unknown quite like getting to know it. The more you see the other person as a normal human being with as many flaws and benefits as you the more you realize how little you have to fear. Plus, while reassurances from you existing partner are good you mind will always taint them with the knowledge that they love you and care for your feelings, which means your mind will start wondering if they’re downplaying things just to make you feel better. Reassurances from the new partner, however, will mean so much more.