Don’t over-think polyamory

“Love and doubt have never been on speaking terms.” ~ Kahlil Gibran

We humans have a tendency to over think things, especially our romantic relationships. But that rarely leads to any good outcomes. Over thinking relationships opens the door for self-doubt and insecurity, always questioning your partner’s motives or affection. This leads to strife in the relationship. And polyamorous relationships are even easier to do this with because more people equals more triggers of insecurity and self-doubt.

The easier path is simply accepting the relationship for what it is right now in this very moment. I’m not implying that you should be a doormat and put-up with behavior from someone else that is hurtful to yourself, but simply to stop over-analyzing everything. It is what it is, and all the fretting, analyzing and trying to “fix” things won’t change that. Really, it won’t.

I believe most people say and do things because it’s how they feel at that moment. There is no reason to read more into people’s words and actions than what they show you or tell you, unless they prove to be untrustworthy in their words and actions, in which case you should probably just end the relationship anyway, unless you are an emotional masochist and enjoy hurting, crying and beating yourself up for other people’s shortcomings.

The point is: we’d all love to be able to handcraft our relationships. But we can’t. We can only accept them as they are or find another one that’s a better fit. But no relationship will ever fit you like a custom-tailored designer suit, whether polyamorous or monogamous. Romantic relationships are an “off the rack” item, so all you can do is find the one that fits you the best and wear it proudly and happily.

Remember, polyamory is nothing if not fluid, and what a relationship looks like today is not what it will look like tomorrow, next week or next year. So enjoy it for what it is today and don’t worry about tomorrow. If you do you’ll miss so much happiness right now.

  • Thanks for the article L.S. Expectations will kill the party every time. Separating emotion, and anticipation from the moment (or a situation) can be truly difficult, but the surprise of the unexpected can make an experience a memory, a lesson, and a reason for joy.

  • Wes

    Excellent post. Found it while doing a particular search for information, and it’s an excellent read, and so true.

  • RosieWoman

    Thanks so much for this post! Being new to polyamory, I am still learning how to navigate my marriage while also fostering a relationship with another couple. Despite being happy in both relationships, I still worry each time my husband has a date, or often wonder whether I’m doing enough to please my boyfriend and girlfriend. This reminds me to live in the moment and stop trying to anticipate every little detail before it even happens.

  • Bikil

    So true! I’ve been poly for many years and live in a beautiful grex and I still need to remind myself of this all the time. I do so much better when I get rid of expectations about what the relationship should be AND get rid of my penchant to over-analyze what *I THINK* other’s emotions are. I don’t know what someone’s thinking unless they tell me! I need to cross stitch that on a sampler or something and mount it over my head at all times, hee!