Polyamory means…

Notches on the bedpostPoly means “many” not “any”.  Cruising around OKCupid today and updating my profile a bit, I found it very hard to explain that just because I am polyamory-minded doesn’t mean I am A) cheating on my wife, and B) just putting notches on my bedpost.  And that is the public perception of me, as a polyamorous male.

It seems the idea that many people have (and in my case, women I’m interested in) is that being polyamorous is all about sleeping around, it’s all about the sex.  That polyamory is just an excuse to look for a new relationship to replace an existing relationship while still maintaining that existing relationship. That there must be something wrong with your current relationship or that the sex is terrible and you are looking for something that is missing.

In short, you’re looked upon as a cad. Especially if you’re a guy.

If you’re a girl, you’re a slut and will fuck anyone, and if you won’t, you’re a bitch.

That is why I say: Poly means “many” not “any”.

Yes, I like sex. Yes, I like variety in my sex. No, I’m not into racking-up a high score.  Yes I’ll take a one night stand with the right person. No, I don’t go looking for one night stands. Yes, I can fall in love with more than one person. No, I don’t fall in love with everyone I have sex with. Yes, I love being in love. No, I don’t need to be in love. Yes, I love to fuck. No, I won’t fuck just anyone. Yes, someone new is exciting. No, someone new doesn’t make a current partner less exciting. Yes, I am into you. No, I am not looking for a replacement for someone else.

If I want to have sex with someone it’s because I really find that person a turn-on, and more than just physically. Intelligence and intellectual compatibility is as big a turn-on as physical attractiveness. Therefore the pool of possible sex partners is not huge. Just because a woman is attractive does not mean I’m going to get a hard-on for her. If I am sexually attracted to a woman it’s because there is a lot more going on than just nice tits and ass. She is special. She is unique. And not all people will be that to me any more than I will be that to all people.

So yes, being poly means having more than one. No, being poly doesn’t mean having just anyone.

  • Couldn’t agree with you more, sex is an adventure to be explored, and the pursuit and enjoyment of this can happily coincide with another relationship

  • When I was in a swinging relationship, I was always astounded by the assumption by others that if I was bi-flexible, or willing to play along, that it meant I would get with ANY WOMAN. I wouldn’t get with EVERY MAN, why would I be with ANY WOMAN. I think this is the same thought process in action.

  • LambChop, we have seen the same thing. The idea that a because a woman is bi-flexible (I like that term) that she will play with any woman. However as my wife has said, she likes women, but her strike zone with women is much smaller than it is with men.

  • FreeSpiritDiva

    *Round of applause*

    I get so annoyed when men just assume that being poly means that I “will” sleep with them. Never mind that my profile makes it pretty clear that I am looking for someone and something special; not looking for a hook-up or booty-call, they still somehow get the understanding that I must not really mean that. It’s like you said, to these maroons, woman + polyamory = slut or woman who lacks standards of whom she will sleep with.

    We won’t even talk about the (non-poly) married men who come out of the woodwork because they think that me being poly means that I “will” sleep with them.

    With so much information available to the world on the subject, it still amazes me that posts like yours are still very necessary. Thank you.