Is wanting a threesome grounds for divorce?

Yup, you read that right.  Recently I read this exact question posted on an online advice columnist: “My husband asked me for a threesome, is this grounds for divorce?”

Unfortunately this is how many people think.  They are so afraid of their significant others fantasies that they immediately jump to the most extreme response possible.

If I was answering this question I’d of said: “No, his asking isn’t grounds for divorce, but your reaction to his expressing himself is grounds for him to divorce you.”

Harsh?  Maybe.  But this isn’t even really about threesomes.  It’s about a lack of honest and open communication in a relationship, which is the number one issue that eventually leads to anger and resentment and divorce.

This is all due to the lack of a safe and secure atmosphere within the relationship that a person’s feelings and fantasies can be revealed.  All too often doing so triggers insecurity and jealousy and the ensuing anger, hurt and the defense mechanism, belittling, that they get from their partner.  Things nobody wants to experience.  So it’s safer to just not say anything at all.  Eventually the resentment builds and they strike-out on their own, either through divorce or cheating, to fulfill their fantasies and live their life.  The life their significant other is too jealous to live with them, or even listen to.

We hear this all the time, especially from married men that contact us through swinger dating sites we belong to (that might just be because men so actively seek sex, especially through swingers sites). It’s always the same old story: “I love my wife, but she is just too prudish, reserved, doesn’t like sex, doesn’t like the same kind of sex I do” etc., etc., etc. And one of the most read topics on The Swingers Board is the “How do I talk to my spouse about swinging” threads.  Taken a step further, that could be: “How do I talk to my spouse about any sexual fantasy I have without having them reject me and make me feel stupid for having them.”

It’s always amazed me how people will be more open with complete strangers about their darkest sexual secrets then they will be (can be?) with their spouse, the one person they should be able to talk to about anything.

Being secure enough in yourself to not be threatened by your partner’s sexual fantasies is a paramount of a sexually happy and satisfying relationship.  Being open to hearing your partner’s fantasies without judgment or jealousy doesn’t necessarily mean you have to do those things, it just means you have to validate them and not make them feel that they can’t talk with you about them.

Again, lack of communication (and the willingness of someone else to listen) is the biggest cause of cheating and the resulting emotional trauma associated with it when the cheated spouse finds out.

But, until people can get over themselves, this will continue to be a huge issue with romantic relationships.

  • Yeah, it can really suck having a high sex drive and being married to Betty Fucking Crocker. But sometimes you just have to learn to make lemonade out of the lemons life gives you.

  • Roger

    Oh my Goodness that is so right on the head … lol But again I almost fall into that catagory but for my unique relationship is far from the normal..

  • Roger

    How do you tell the Lesbian you love that you want to enjoy sex and since she isnt allowing men to touch her that you want to search out a good surrogate to help ease that tension? Any takes on that ? Well First you hide your Dangles and and then you just tell her and if her claws are retracted you might be ok and can carry on the rest of that conversation of rules and ect. but if the claws come out ….. that conversation never gains much and you are even more in trouble than before … Luckily I get the options for that exploration and options as long as its safe, sane and consentual she is ok… and if the intended play partner likes Girls I can take her home for play… But a 3 some with 2 women is a hard one to do especially when its hard to keep up with one woman let alone 2 … That said love the post and love reading Mr Scribbins Work as well as Mrs… Scribbins…

  • biggerlove

    How do you tell the Lesbian you love that you want to enjoy sex and since she isnt allowing men to touch her that you want to search out a good surrogate to help ease that tension? Any takes on that ?

    You are up front and honest with her.  That’s all you can be.  Relationships cannot be one-way streets, it has to work for both of your independently for it to work for the couple.  If she is expecting to be able to live-out her sexual desires outside her primary relationship than she must allow her husband the same situation.  If she can’t, than she shouldn’t be doing it either.  Open relationships only work when both people in the relationship have the same rights.

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  • I think one of the big misconceptions of threesomes, swinging, and poly is that the physical act of being with another person is the most satisfying.

    Most people, I feel, would answer that the most fulfilling part is the open communication and acceptance of one’s partner.
    Sharing secrets and fantasies is a part of intimacy. It’s a shame how many women cut off open communication with their spouse, but then complain about a lack of intimacy.

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  • I do grok mismatched levels when it comes to sexuality. I also grok that people change. What I don’t dig on is the men in the instances reflected above who partner with women and then magically discover that suddenly they are “prudish?” Really? You had no clue. Why not hash that out before making a lifelong commitment? How difficult is it to bring that up while you are in serious courtship mode? And it if “didn’t come up”? why blame the person who assumed the default for a monogamous relationship for wanting it to remain that way?

    I’ve always been in poly situations where I knew full well where I and the other people involved stood. There weren’t surprises. And when the situation shifter, I did what was necessary to make it work. Often that meant someone in the mix moving on, or my removing myself.

    But I get the feeling that a great deal of this is greed and insensitivity masking as a desire for “poly” when all these “men” wan is a fresh hole to fuck.

    Isn’t polyamory about loving multiple people, not shagging as much as possible, wherever possible?

    Peace

    ~Mollena

  • Devyl

    There was a time in my life when being asked if I would go for a threesome in my current relationship would have sent me off my rocker in anger and insecurity.

    However, I would not have allowed it to ruin the relationship. I eventually would have calmed down enough to discuss it properly.

    Nowadays, it is something I am more open to, although it would take much discussing and proper planning, and it would only happen if I was completely sure my guy was faithful to me.

    Any relationship that is not based on honesty and communication is doomed to fail … as is any relationship where the parties are not equally sexual when sex is important to at least one of those parties.

    Great post, darlin.

  • Dave

    I wanted a threesome for years and finally told my wife when she was drunk. She said okay, called a “girlfriend” at her office and invited her to bed with us that night. She said she’d been waiting for me to ask. We had a lovely time and were worn totally out by morning. This is now a special way we celebrate every so often…