Advice for the Newbie Swinger

I wish I’d written this, but I didn’t.  This is some great advice for anyone thinking about swinging.  Hell, it’s great advice for even non-swingers to help them understand swingers and what the lifestyle is really about.  This post comes from The Swingers Board, which in my opinion is the #1 resource on the web for real information regarding that lifestyle.

So you want to be a swinger?

Some things … can you learn from an expert.

Other things … are better learned from a fool.

Regrettably: You won’t find many fools on the SB.

Fortunately … you still have me. (Uomo)

Here’s one fool’s advice (on lessons learned).

Until recently, I did not understand the lifestyle (in the least). So many misconceptions about what is … and what it is not … and what it can’t be. I’m still trying to make sense of it all … and thankfully … you are all helping me to see the error of my ways.

Here’s what it is not:

The lifestyle is not a place to repair a broken marriage.

The lifestyle is not a place where you forget about your spouse and revert to being single.

The lifestyle is not filed with horny women desperate to have sex with you … no matter how good looking you are (or how good looking you think you are).

And no matter how talented you may (or may not) be in the rack … you will never compare with their husbands.

Why?

Because more so than in the general population, women in the lifestyle … genuinely love their husbands. It is a love that most people (regrettably) will never know.

If you are lucky enough to have sex with them, I hope you enjoy it … but don’t kid yourselves: you will never make love to them. Women in the lifestyle make love to their husbands … and only their husbands. You will always be second-best … at best. And a very (very) distant second … at that.

The problem with lifestyle (or more appropriately: its image), is that if you hop around the internet, preview the swapper posts, gawk at the sexy profile photos (and the like), it is not difficult (for the novice like me) to be left with an impression that hedonistic sex is the order of the day (in the lifestyle). If you’re looking good … and she’s looking good … you’re going to hit it off and get it on, right?

Wrong.

(I think) the key to swinging success all can be summed up in three words: “Friends with Benefits.” Sure … we’ve all heard the phrase. It’s the order of the words I’d call attention to.

Before anybody is going to consider you for anything intimate, they have to like you as a person. Not just the wife … both of them. Now I could be wrong on this (and I am certain exceptions exist) … but the first thing most swinging couples want to know is: Do I like you? If I do … then maybe something will come of it. Or maybe it won’t. But if you go into it with the attitude (and intention of) shacking up with the guy’s wife … they will see right through you … and it will never happen. You have to be genuine. I don’t mean genuine as a “tactic for scoring.” I mean genuinely genuine. That’s why I think “Friends with Benefits” is spot on. You have to be “Friends” first. Only afterwards (Maybe): “Benefits.” Isn’t that what the lifestyle is really about? Making friends? I’d like to think so (but I could be wrong).

My advice (for the half-cent its worth):

Be a friend … and forget about “the hook up.” Have a nice evening out. If you do that … and if you genuinely get along … and if the right chemistry exists … guess what? I can’t speak from experience, but I’d bet you anything: the “benefits” … will all take care of themselves (without your even having to try). If, on the other hand, you’re only there for the “benefits” … then you’re not really a friend at all. You’re a user. The lifestyle community will see you for what you are. They are a very bright bunch (and great people). If they accept you into the fold … you’re a lucky couple.

And one last thing: be a friend to everyone at the event … not just those you are sexually attracted to. The other people in the room may have much more in common with you than the people who make your heart race (and you might have a whole lot better time with them, all things considered). I’m not saying you have to be best friends with people you have nothing in common with … but at least take the time to get to know them. If you zero in only on the sexiest person in the room, then I don’t care how genuine it is you think you are … you are not. A genuine person wouldn’t scope out the room with that kind of attitude.

The lower your expectations, the more worthwhile the experience … and then, who knows? More importantly: Who cares? Have fun.

That being said: I very well may have made another fool of myself (e.g. the blind leading the blind) … but … for better or worse, that’s just me. And for those of you who are reading this post who’ve never seen any of my other posts: I think it’s only appropriate that I disclose … I’ve got absolutely no credibility on this subject … just a body full of well-deserved bruises. If you want expert advice on the lifestyle … ask someone who can speak from experience. I’m brand new … firing from the hip.

Thanks again to all of you (my friends) on the SB. If my wife and I ever figure a way to make the lifestyle work for us … it will be because of your thoughtful efforts — Uomo

Read the whole thread here.

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